The Jesus of a Previous Century

The Tomb of Honi
The Tomb of Honi the Circle Drawer

In 1962, Alvar Ellegård, a Swedish linguist, wrote the book, A Statistical Method for Determining Authorship, in which he was able to use a computer-aided analysis of letters to identify the anonymous 18th-century political writer known by the psuedonym Junius. By comparing the content of the letters to 230,000 words taken from known works, Ellegård was able to confidently identify Junius as Sir Phillip Francis through 458 lexical features, concluding it was 300,000 times more likely than not that the two authors were the same person (Crystal 68).

Thirty-seven years later, in 1999, Ellegård published Jesus: One Hunrdred Years Before Christ, which argued that the Jesus figure represented in the gospels was a fictional creation of the second century A.D. while the Jesus spoken of in the epistles and early apocrypha referred to a Jesus of the more distant past, most likely the enigmatic Teacher of Righteousness from the Dead Sea Scrolls. While Ellegård concocted this hypothesis entirely on negative evidence, there actually is an enigmatic text loosely dated to the fourth century A.D., unknown to the late Ellegård, called the Sepher Toldoth Yeshu, or Toledot Yeshu, which independently confirmed his suspicions in portraying Jesus living during the reigns of Alexander Jannaeus and Salome Alexandra, whose combined reign was between 103 and 67 B.C.

The name Yeshu has been used in Jewish literature as an acronym yemach shemo vezichro, “May his name and memory be obliterated,” and refusing to utter the name of a heretic was a common Jewish practice. There are several different versions of the Toledot Yeshu story, and two in particular, called The Jewish Life of Jesus and The Jewish Life of Christ, which were first translated from Hebrew to German by the Talmudic scholar Samuel Krauss in 1902, are in substantial agreement with the so-called Persian text from nineteenth-century Bukhara, Uzbekistan, and are related in type to a text published in Germany in 1681 by Oriental linguist Johann Christoph Wagenseil. These texts were then republished by G.R.S. Mead, an acolyte of the Russian-born spiritualist Helena Blavatsky, in the exceedingly well-researched book, Did Jesus Live 100 B.C.?, from 1903, and were then republished again in the appendix of atheist writer Frank Zindler’s self-published book, The Jesus the Jews Never Knew, exactly one hundred years later. If there are other versions that have been distributed in their entirety by a major publisher within that century, they have eluded me. While The Jewish Life of Christ has anachronisitic elements that appear to have been added to help make the story conform more with the canonical gospels, The Jewish Life of Jesus appears to be a genuinely original Hebrew tradition of Jesus and the only tradition completely independent of Hellenistic philosophy, neither of which can be said regarding the entirety of the New Testament tradition, whether canonical or apocryphal. Most theologians and biblical writers, however, have completely ignored not just the importance of, but the very existence of the Toledot Yeshu, leaving all but the most diligent of inquirers into biblical criticism literature even aware of its existence.

Sometimes referred to as an “anti-gospel,” the Toledot Yeshu portrays unique confrontations between Yeshu and his uncle Yehoshua ben Perachiah, the leader of the Sanhedrin Simon ben Shetach, and a “Queen Helene.” Far from being derivative of the Greek gospel as is sometimes assumed, the text reveals a layer of original folklore independent of the Greek gospels (Hoffman, Jesus 50). Although the history of transmission is obviously erratic, William Horbury attempted to reconstruct the source of the original Toledot story (Horbury 433-435). Since the Toledot includes verses and story elements and that do not appear to have been invented solely to mock Yeshu, the Toledot itself may be based on a very short, very early gospel story that predates even the Greek canonical gospels.

The Jewish Life of Jesus says that Yeshu, originally named Yehoshua ben Perachiah after his uncle, was the bastard son of Mary and that he was able to work his magic tricks by virtue of learning the ineffable name of God after sneaking into a sanctuary that held a special stone blessed by Jacob in Genesis which had the “Shem,” or name of God, written on it. After sneaking into the temple, Yeshu is said to have sewn the name into his thigh, which Zindler suggested may have been a metaphor for a tattoo (Zindler 156). The Jewish Life of Christ instead places the stone at the Jerusalem Temple, changing its guardian statues from dogs to Judean lions, and includes a story of how Yeshu took two millstones, made them float on water, and sat on top of it catching fishes for the multitude, a parallel to both Jesus walking on water and the “Feeding of the Multitude.” The story also explains that when Yeshu was a child he and his uncle were forced to escape into Egypt because of the growing conflict between Alexander Jannaeous and his uncle Yehoshua ben Perechiah, a parallel with the Gospel of Matthew’s story of Jesus’ family escape into Egypt.

The central conflict of both versions of the story revolves around Yeshu’s wavering relationship with “Queen Helene,” which The Jewish Life of Christ identifies as Queen Salome Alexandra of Jerusalem although it mistakenly names her son Monobaz II, the son of Queen Helene of Adiabene in Mesopotamia. This later queen became a Jewish proselyte who spent some time in Jerusalem and Lud between 46 and 60 A.D. after taking a Nazarite vow and studying under the Rabbis of Hillel’s school. However, as Mead and others have pointed out, the story itself portrays “Helene” as a Gentile, referring to Jewish law as “your law” and consulting Jewish scribes to learn about prophecies regarding the Messiah. The earlier Life of Jesus leaves her identity a mystery. Krauss believed that Helene was a reference to the mother of Emperor Constantine, whose legendary stories of entering the Holy Land to find the True Cross would have made her an ideal use for parody, but as Mead points out, this is highly unlikely since the queen plays such a central part to the plot of the story, saying, “It is impossible not to believe that there was the mention of some queen in the oldest deposit of the Toledot-saga, and difficult to believe that the name given her in it was anything else than Helene” (Mead 308-309). Zindler reluctantly accepts Queen Salome Alexandra as the intended reference, confused with Queen Helene of Adiabene.

There is however, a third contender that no one so far has suggested. There was also Queen Cleopatra Selene I of Syria, originally a princess of Egypt, who lived at an advanced age around the same time period. This would rectify her depiction as a Gentile Queen needing Jewish scribes to explain Jewish tradition to her and realign Yeshu’s location to match his Galilean heritage as portrayed in the gospels. Queen Cleopatra Selene also had five different husbands, two of them her brothers from Egypt and three of them kings of Syria, each a political marriage following the rise and fall of different regimes. A lost echo of this tradition may appear in John 4.17 as Jesus correctly prophecizes that a Samaritan he meets by the Well of Jacob has had five different husbands and lives with a lover. It’s possible that the original Signs Gospel was set in the first century B.C. as well and that a conversation with Queen Selene connected to the Stone of Jacob was rewritten into a conversation with a Samaritan at the Well of Jacob.

Yeshu is able to cure the lame and lepers by using the magic of the Shem, although the story portrays this as a “trick” rather than a genuine miracle. In The Jewish Life of Christ, the way that Yeshu is able to resurrect the dead is very strange: “And when they were brought, he put all the bones together and covered them with skin, flesh, and nerves, so he that had been a dead man stood up on his feet alive” (Zindler 377). The theme of bodies being opened and closed up are repeated in the way Yeshu hides the name of God inside his own body by sewing it up. The stories of Yeshu curing the lame and the diseased may be symbolic of performing medicine, and the heights of medical science were long achieved in Alexandria, one of the few places where the taboo of dissection was allowed on the bodies of criminals, both alive and dead.

Yeshu is called to the court of Queen Helene twice, and the second time her horsemen find Yeshu, he is turning clay birds into real birds, a miracle that the infant Jesus did in the Infancy Gospel of Thomas. Yeshu is at first able to convince the queen that he is the Messiah by claiming he can raise the dead. Following this is a legend about Yeshu fighting Judas Iscariot in a mid-air battle similar to the apocryphal legends of Simon Magus, but this episode was probably a later addition. The scribes then capture Yeshu, put a bag over his head, then had different people strike him on the head while asking for him to prophecize who was hitting him, a story element repeated in the gospels of Mark and Matthew.

But Yeshu’s disciples manage to rescue their master and they escape to Antioch until Passover. Yeshu travels to Jerusalem for Passover but is betrayed when a man named Gaisa sneaks into his tent while he is sleeping and opens up his body to steal the Shem, taking away his powers. In The Jewish Life of Christ, Gaisa is named Judas and he reports what he did not to nameless elders but to the Queen Salome’s brother, Shimeon Ben Shetach. Gasia, or Judas, explains that Jesus had come to Jerusalem disguised and that he had taken an oath not to identify him, but nevertheless worked up a plan with them for him to signal who Jesus was by giving him a bow. Gaisa takes them to Yeshu’s hideout at a school and betrays Yeshu not with a kiss but a short greeting. This time his disciples are unable to rescue him and Yeshu is stoned to death and then hung on a cabbage stalk in a garden, which in Life of Christ belongs to Judas.

When people continuously come to look at Yeshu’s body, the garden owner, decides to hide the body under a river, causing the disciples to claim that Jesus had risen from the grave, and when the Queen hears this she demands that the elders produce Yeshu’s body in three days or face execution. In that time, one of the old men, Rabbi Tanchuma, runs into the garden owner and is able to produce the body, which is then dragged around the streets of Jerusalem in condemnation. Frank Zindler points out that Tertullian knew of a literary tradition in which Jesus’ body is stollen by the gardener to stop the disciples from trampling on his cabbages (Zindler 283). Tertullian mockingly compares the story of Jesus’ body being hidden away to stop the trampling of cabbages to the story at the ending of the Gospel of Matthew, which says that the chief priests met with the elders to bribe the Roman guards of Jesus’ body to say that his disciples stole the body: “So they took the money and carried out their instructions, and to this day that is the story among the Jews” (27.15).

The manner of death that Yeshu suffers in the Toledot cannot so easily be dismissed as a Jewish invention. Both the Gospel of Matthew and Luke connect Judas to a strange “garden of blood” though each provides contradictory explanations for the connection. The Gospel of John has a strange episode in which Mary Magdalene mistakes Jesus for the gardener, however the Toledot Yeshu may help provide an explanation for why. The Gnostic Gospel of Judas portrays Jesus’ “betrayer” as the loyal “twin” of Jesus and the last redaction of the Gospel of John knows and purposely contradicts this legend, but if the gardener was also Jesus’ twin then it would make sense that Mary Magdalene would mistake one for the other. Zindler is likewise certain that the gardener played a much larger role in earlier versions of the Gospel of John. An early version of the crucifixion story that was popular among docetic sects of Christianity was that someone else (sometimes Judas) was crucified in Jesus’ place, a version that even today is accepted as Islamic orthodoxy. An earlier Gnostic version of John may have had Mary Magdalene learn that it was Jesus’ twin Judas who was crucified in Jesus’ place.

The Mishnah, a rabbinical commentary from about 220 A.D. that is part of the Talmud, also refers to a bastard born from an adulterer who was executed by stoning for seducing Israel into idolatry. Zindler argues that the references to Yeshu’s adultery in the Talmud are only a Jewish reaction to the late Christian theological belief in the virgin birth, but there are reasons to believe that Christians were dealing with such accusations relatively early. Saying #105 of the Gospel of Thomas says, “Whoever knows the Father and the Mother will be called the child of a whore.” Biblical scholar James Tabor, who discounts the Panthera legend but believes Jesus must have lived with the stigma of not having a father, has pointed out that the four women mentioned in the Gospel of Matthew’s geneaology list includes Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Uriah: “each of these four women was a foreigner who had a scandulous reputation in the Old Testament” and “don’t belong in a formal geneaology of the royal family. . . It is as if he [the evangelist] is silently cautioning any overly pious or judgmental readers not to jump to conclusions. It is the most revered geneaology of that culture, the royal line of King David himself, there are stories of sexual immorality involving both men and women who are nonetheless honored in memory” (Tabor 50-51).

The later sixth-century Gemara, which comments on the Mishnah, adds that “Ben Pandira” was a heretic whose Egyptian mode of healing was treated as some kind of taboo. The Gemara also refers to Yeshu as “Ben Stada,” such as the quote from Rabbi Eliezer: “Did not Ben Stada bring spells from Egypt and cut which was upon his flesh?” In the Seder Nezikin of the Talmud, it says: “Our rabbis taught that Yeshu had five disciples: Matti, Necki, Netsur, Burni, and Toda.” (Sanhedrin 43a). In The Jewish Life of Jesus, four of Yeshu’s disciples are caught: Matthai, Naki, Boni, and Netzer (Toda goes unmentioned). Each of the four prisoners is asked to cite proof from scripture that their cause had been prophecized, to which each cites an unlikely passage in which a word resembles their name, and in response to each attempt, the disciples are in turn cited an equally unlikely passage proving that their execution had been prophecized.

The Jewish Life of Christ then says that 30 years after Yeshu was hung (around 33 B.C.), twelve men, called “bad offspring of foul ravens,” traveled through Israel as apostles, popularizing Yeshu’s faith. Acts also mentions Seven “Grecian Jews” (NIV, 6.1) or “Hellenists” (NJB) who were chosen by the Twelve Disciples to overlook the daily distribution of food; these men were “full of Spirit and wisdom” but were nevertheless given a back-handed denigration by “Luke” in that they given this task so that the Twelve would not have to “neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables” (NIV, 6.2). These seven are located in Cyrene and Alexandria, as well as in Cilicia and Asia, and one of them, “Philip the Evangelist,” lived in Caeserea (6.9, 21.8). The Gospel of Mark has two episodes where Jesus feeds 4-5,000 people, and soon after the second episode, Jesus tells his disciples when they are complaining about food that after he broke five loaves for 5,000, there were twelve left over, and after he broke seven loaves for 4,000, there were seven left over (8.19-21). This appears to me to be symbolic of the five original disciples of Yeshu “feeding” the inspiration of 5,000, with twelve apostles left over 30 years later, and of the seven “evangelists” feeding the inspiration of 4,000, presumably leaving another seven “evangelists” in their place. The author appeals for the numerical significance in the code when he has Jesus ask his disciples, “Do you still not realise?” (NJB, 8.21).

Although the Talmud confirms that Yeshu was executed on Passover eve stoning is placed at Lydda rather than Jerusalem. In 1971, G. A. Wells, a German professor of philosophy and natural science, wrote in his book, The Jesus of the Early Christians, that it “is remarkable that the compiler of the Tosephta makes Jesus die in Lud (viz. Lydda), not in Jerusalem, and by stoning. This does not suggest a reminiscence of the events alleged in the gospels. Incidentally, Jesus is nowhere in the Talmud said to have been executed by the Romans; his death is represented as solely the work of the Jews: and nowhere is his alleged Messiahship mentioned, not even as a reason for putting him to death” (Wells, Early 200). A particularly important reference in 1 Thessaloneans says that Christians there “suffered the same treatment from your own countrymen as they have had from the Jews, who put the Lord Jesus to death,” causing many Biblical scholars like John Dominic Crossan to assume the verse to be a late interpolation (NJB, 2.14-15).

Setting aside the reasoning for predating the historical Jesus by a century, it makes little sense for a Jewish writer to take blame away from the Romans and place it solely on Jewish leaders. Other than the verse from Thessaloneans and a mystical attribution to demonology in 1 Cor. 2.6-8, the early epistles are unnaturally silent about the exact circumstances of Jesus’ death. In fact, none of the canonical epistles or early apocrypha dated to the first century makes a direct statement that the Jesus was crucified in Jerusalem on a Roman cross. Even the references in the Greek Koine to Jesus being “crucified” can be equally translated as him being “hung.” As discovered by Biblical scholar Delbert Burkett, the hagiographic description of the apostle Stephen’s martyrdom by stoning in Acts, far surpassing the glossed-over death of the apostle leader James, is derived from the same “Sanhedrin Trial Source” used in part of Jesus’ trial in the Synoptic gospels where both judgment and execution is presided over by Jews alone, which Burkett believes is linked to the Taldmudic tradition of Yeshu’s stoning (Burkett 178; Mark 14.53-64; Matt. 26.57-66, Luke 22.66-71, Acts 6.12-7.60).

In looking over the historical evidence in the Pauline epistles, Wells says that nothing about Jesus, even regarding his crucifixion is given a historical setting:

“His letters tell only of a cult, Jewish on origin, in which a crucified Jesus, called the Messiah, figures as an atoning sacrifice, but counts for absolutely nothing as a teacher and wonder worker… Paul of course, believes that at some time in the past this deity appeared on earth, was born of a woman, as a descendant of David and was crucified. But nothing he says suggests that he knows or cares when this happened. He says only that it occurred just as the right time (Rom. V, 6; Gal. Iv, 4) and does not imply that it happened recently enough for any of the apostles to have known Jesus while he was on earth” (Wells, Early 146-148).

Wells goes on to explain that nothing in the epistle of James can be identified as Christian and concludes that: “James might never have heard the man Jesus” (152). The author of the epistle of Jude, which pointedly identifies himself not as the brother of Jesus but the “brother of James,” quotes the apocryphal First Book of Enoch, which was also found in the Dead Sea Scrolls, but says nothing of the earthly Jesus. The epistle of 1 Peter makes no claim that the author knew Jesus personally, nor does it say anything about Jesus other than to say that the resurrected Jesus had been recently “revealed” (NJB, 1 Peter 1.5). The next epistle, 2 Peter, which most scholars agree was written much later by another author since it didn’t even make it into St. Irenaeus’ canon in 180 A.D., says: “When we told you about the power and the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, we were not slavishly repeating cleverly invented myths; no, we had seen his majesty with our own eyes” (NJB, 2 Peter 1.16). These do not appear to be pagan enemies making the claim that Jesus was a myth, but “false prophets” who “try to make a profit out of you with untrue tales,” a description typically used for Gnostic Christians (NJB, 2.1-3). The First Epistle of John mentions Jesus, but also uses uncommon terms for him like “the Righteous One” and “the Holy One,” which means it may have be an edited epistle that was originally about the Teacher of Righteousness. Like 2 Peter, 2 John condemns as the Anti-Christ all the “deceivers at large in the world, refusing to acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in human nature” (NJB, 1.7). Had the gospel Jesus been a historical person, such a suggestion would be unthinkable: it would be like followers of Martin Luther King Jr. disagreeing with each other whether he was real or myth.

Another lost tradition hidden amongst hundreds of pages of early Christian commentary is a quote from Epiphanius, a bishop and heresiologist from Salamis on the island of Cyprus. In his book, Panarion, meaning “Medicine Chest,” he defends the Orthodox reading of the four canonical gospels and dates Jesus to the time of Pontius Pilate, writing:

“For with the advent of the Christ, the succession of the princes from Judah, who reigned until the Christ Himself, ceased. The order [of succession] failed and stopped at the time when He was born in Bethlehem of Judea, in the days of Alexander, who was of high-priestly and royal race; and after this Alexander this lot failed, from the times of himself and Salina, who is also called Alexandra, for the times of Herod the King and Augustus Emperor of the Romans; and this Alexander, one of the Christs and ruling princes placed the crown in his own head… After this a foreign king, Herod, and those who were no longer of the family of David, assumed the crown.”

Needless to say, Epiphanius has his history wrong. He is obviously combining a legend that Yeshu was rightful heir to the throne of Jerusalem following the death of Alexander Jannaeus with the gospel tradition of the baby Jesus living during the time of Herod and Augustus. In reality, Alexander’s wife, Salome Alexandra, took the throne after him, giving the high priesthood to her younger son Hyrcanus II, though her older son Aristobulus II tried to take it from her by force. The resulting civil war brought Pompey, fresh from his victory over the Armenian Empire, into Judea to arbitrate the matter as a minister to the newly expanded Roman Republic. Both of the Hasmonean brothers tried to buy Pompey’s support and though Aristobulus was able to buy the favor of Pompey’s deputy, Marcus Scaurus, for a while, Pompey ultimately sided with Hyrcanus. Pompey put Jerusalem to siege and blasphemed the Temple by entering its Holiest of Holies before setting Hyrcanus up as high priest. This would begin a long and complicated history of wars between the Romans and the Jews. Hyrcanus allied himself with a rich foreigner named Antipater the Idumean, who was made chief minister of Judea by Caesar after he defeated Pompey. After Antipater was poisoned for his being a Roman puppet, the throne of Judea then passed to his vengeful son, Herod the Great.

The tradition that Jesus lived during the time of Alexander Janneus survived for over a millenium in Jewish tradition. The 12th century Spanish philosopher, physician, and historian, Abraham ben Daud, is recorded in Dr. Adolph Neubauer’s Medieval Jewish Chronicles from 1887 as saying:

“The Jewish history-writers say that Joshua ben Perachiah was the teacher of Yeshu ha-Notzri, according to which the latter lived in the day of King Janni; the history-writers of the other nations, however, say that he was born in the days of Herod and was hanged in the days of his son Archelaus. This is a great difference, a difference of more than 110 years.”

There is yet another little-known record of an unidentified “wise king,” identified in a letter from a Syrian prisoner named Mara Ben Serapion dated some time between 73 and 165 A.D. The “wise king” mentioned is also a teacher whose teachings survived despite his execution by the Jews, a rare identification that is also shared with the gospel Jesus:

What advantage did the Athenians gain from putting Socrates to death? Famine and plague came upon them as a judgment for their crime. What advantage did the men of Samos gain from burning Pythagoras? In a moment their land was covered with sand. What advantage did the Jews gain from executing their wise king? It was just after that their kingdom was abolished. God justly avenged these three wise men: the Athenians died of hunger; the Samians were overwhelmed by the sea; the Jews, ruined and driven from their land, live in complete dispersion. But Socrates did not die for good; he lived on in the teaching of Plato. Pythagoras did not die for good; he lived on in the statue of Hera. Nor did the wise king die for good; He lived on in the teaching which he had given.

It has been suggested to me that the Jewish kingdom being abolished could be a reference to the seige of Jerusalem in 70 A.D., but that event is better known for the Temple being destroyed, which goes unmentioned. Jewish rebels had only been thrown off the yoke of the Romans for a less than three years and there were still several sects fighting for domination when Emperors Vespasian and Titus came and reconquered the city. It would be hard to believe anyone would interpret that as anything more than a rebellion being put down, certainly not the fall of a kingdom.

The most important source for delivering definitive proof of a historical Jesus crucified by the Romans during the age of Pontius Pilate comes from a tiny excerpt from Antiquities of the Jews, by the Jewish-Roman historian and defected general, Titus Flavius Josephus. Assuming the source to be valid, it would mark the sole unbiased eyewitness to the Gospel Jesus’ existence from someone who was a near-contemporary of Jesus, having been born only seven years after the established date of the crucifixion. In the third chapter of Book 13, the text as found reads:

But Pilate undertook to bring a current of water to Jerusalem, and did it with sacred money…. However the Jews were not pleased…. So he [Pilate] bade the Jews himself to go away; but they boldly casting reproaches on him, he gave the soldiers that signal… and equally punished those that were tumultuous, and those that were not, nor did they spare them in the least… and thus an end was put to this sedition.

Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men among us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.

About the same time also another sad calamity put the Jews into disorder; and certain shameful practices happened about the temple of Isis in Rome….” (emphasis added)

Scholars are virtually unanimous in accepting that it would have been impossible for Josephus to identify Jesus as being the Messiah in such an understated and unexplained fashion. However, that has not encouraged the majority of New Testament scholars into dismissing the entire Josephus Testominium as a forgery. A litany of New Testament scholars including John Dominic Crossan, Robert Funk, Bart Ehrman, R. E. Van Voorst, A. N. Wilson, and Paula Fredriksen all agree that some amount of the Josephus reference to Jesus is authentic, but that the more obviously ahistorical material, rendered above in bold, was later added by a Christian copyist. Although the text does indeed appear to be an amalgamation of Christian and non-Christian sources, the literary evidence that Josephus did not write any of it is considerable.

In 1912, William Benjamin Smith, a professor of Mathematics at Tulane University in New Orleans, showed that in an examination of the two paragraphs that mention Jesus, dividing it into five parts: 1) Pilate attempts to bring Caligula’s effigies into Jerusalem but is stopped by protestors for five days, after which Pilate decides to massacre them but changes his mind after seeing the Jewish protestors kneel and bear their necks to him in a show of self-sacrifice; 2) Pilate massacres protestors who try to stop him from using sacred money to create a water supply; 3) the story of Jesus; 4) “And about the same time another terrible misfortune confounded the Jews…”; and 5) 4,000 Jews are banished from Rome. Smith argued that Josephus meant for this to be a list of massacres, and that the “terrible misforune” mentioned in (4) could only be a referece to the massacre in (2), meaning the entire Testimonium regarding Jesus must be a forgery. Smith had argued in a series of books since 1894 that the lack of historical details in the New Testament epistles implied Christianity had originated from a Nazorean sect derived from the Essenes (Wells, Early 191). A German philologist named Eduard Norden also wrote a similar argument for the Josephus passage being a forgery independent of Smith a year after him (191f). Earl Doherty, in his book, The Jesus Puzzle, also points out that “In the case of every other would-be messiah or popular leader opposed to or executed by the Romans, he has nothing but evil to say” (Doherty 210).

Things get even more complicated when we look at a later passage of Josephus that mentions “James, the brother of Jesus, who is called the Christ.” Despite detailing many would-be Messiahs, these are the only two instances in which Josephus uses the word “Christ,” and not much after this reference, Josephus brings up a certain “Jesus, son of Damneus,” indicating that the phrase “who is called Christ” is probably a later interpolation. The fact that Josephus writes far more material on James than on Jesus is further indication of the fallacy that Josephus wrote even a portion of the Testimonium. Wells points out that Origen referenced “James, the brother of James” three times as proof of how “wonderous” it was that Josephus reported how the “justice of James was not at all small” even though he did not accept Jesus as Christ, yet Origen never cited the far-more important Jesus reference as a proof (Wells, Early 192). In fact, Origen writes that his version of Josephus claimed that the Jewish Temple had been destroyed because of the martyrdom of James, an element that is not found in any of the known versions of Josephus that have been survived (Zindler 38f). The first to mention the Jesus quote is Constantine’s church historian, Eusebius of Caeserea. Zindler says “it has long been believed by Atheist scholars and others that Eusebius was the forger of the Testimonium,” and although Zindler believes the Testimonium ultimately derived from an altered Arabian version of Josephus, he believes Eusebius is responsible for changing “He was believed to be the Christ” into “He was the Christ” (Zindler 58-59).

Philo, a contemporary author of the gospel Jesus, likewise, is strangely silent on Jesus concerning his particular focus on the politics and religion of Galilee. Even John Chrysostom, writing a century after Eusebius, fails to cite the Jesus Testomonioum. In the ninth century, Photius I of Constantinople wrote two reviews of Josephus’ Antiquities, yet not only did he not mention the Jesus Testimonium, he complained that the now-lost writings of Justus of Tiberias, a Jewish historian writing in Galilee around the year 80, “does not make the smallest mention of the appearance of Christ, and says nothing whatever of his deeds and miracles” (Wells, Jesus Myth 204).

Another problem with the historical significance of Jesus would have been his particular importance to Josephus’ earlier work, The War of the Jews, yet there is no mention of him in the primary texts. However, some time in the thirteenth century, a Christian revision of a Greek version of War of the Jews that included the Testimonium about Jesus was made and soon translated into Old Russian, creating what is now known as the “Slavonic Josephus” (Zindler 60, 67).

The second outside source independent of the gospels to cite the historicity of Jesus is a letter written in 112 by Pliny the Younger to the Emperor Trajan describing how he tortured and interrogated Christians before asking the emperor how he should proceed. Although it was attested to early and most modern scholars accept the letter as authentic, Remsberg found the descriptions of the actions by men otherwise known for their acts of justice to be questionable and pointed out that many of the early German critics rejected its authenticity. Regardless of the letter’s authenticity, it speaks only of how the Christians sang “a hymn to Christ as to a god,” a phrase not particuarly effective for proving that Pliny’s Christians believed in a historical Jesus.

The third and last outside source comes from the Roman senator and historian Publius Cornelius Tacitus, in his Annals, dated to 115-120 A.D., less than a century after the events he is recording. It reads:

“[Nero] inflicted the most exquisite tortures on those men, who, under the vulgar appelation of Christians, were already branded with deserved infamy. They derived their name and origin from Christ, who, in the reign of Tiberius, had suffered death, by the sentence of the procurator Pontius Pilate. For a while this superstition was checked; but it again burst forth, and not only spread itself over Judaea, the first seat of this miserable sect, but was even introduced to Rome, the common asylum which receives and protects whatever is atrocious.”

The passage goes on to describe how confessions of seized Christians allowed many of their accomlices to be convicted “not so much for the crime of setting fire to the city as for their hatred of the human race.” After being sentenced to death, their bodies were then used in the torches to light Nero’s gardens. Wells points out that the passage is “genuinely Tacitean, especially the cynical aside about Rome. And what Christian interpolator would refer needlessly to the temporary setback of Christianity or to the Christian’s betrayal of their fellows and the hatred of the human race?” (Wells, Early 186). Zindler, however, cities a critical review of Tacitus by the secularist author, John E. Remsberg, whose book, The Christ: A Critical Review and Analysis of the Evidences of His Existence, which argues that the passage “if genuine, is the most important evidence in Pagan literature. That it existed in the works of the greatest and best known of Roman historians, and was ignored or overlooked by Christian apologists for 1,360 years, no intelligent critic can believe. Tacitus did not write this sentence” (Reyes 511). Remsberg argued that the quote sounded like something from the Dark Ages and not from Tacitus and that the reference should have been cited by Tertullian, Clement of Alexandria, and Origen. He pointed out that Suetonius condemned Nero’s reign yet said that his public entertainments ensured humans were not sacrificed, “not even those of condemned criminals,” and that Tacitus himself was not in Rome but at Atium. Zindler adds that there is also no mention of Nero’s outrage in his earlier work, Histories (Zindler 8).

Zindler even goes so far as to assume the entire Annals is a forgery. J. P. Peebles successfully refutes these assumptions in his 2006 book, The Christ Question Settled, which cites the famous astronomer Ptolemy as mistakingly refering to the location of Frisian insurgents as “Siatontanda,” due to a Greek misreading of Tacitus’ Latin phrase “Ad sua tutanda disgressis rebellious,” meaning “to protect their quarters, the rebels digressed.”). Peebles also points out that John of Salisbury quoted the Annals in the 1100s and that there are now versions of the Annals that scholars date to a time earlier than Bracciolini but had fallen into disuse by the 1400s.

Of course, it would have been asking too much for a Roman senator to confirm the historical validity of the beliefs of a “superstition” he is mocking. Wells comes to this conclusion as well, stating: “[e]ven if records of executions in Palestine ninety years earlier were available, and even if it had been his practice to consult original documents (which, according to Fabia, 90, p. XIII, it ws not), why should he have undertaken such an inquiry in this particular instance, when all he appears to have aimed at was to give his readers some idea of who these disreputable Christians are?” (Early 187). Wells also cites J. Whittaker, who argued in his 1909 book, The Origins of Christianity, that the year 64 was far too early for a “great multitude” of Christians to be in Rome, and that Tacitus must have them confused with Messianic Jews (Early 188).

However, while it is highly unlikely that Josephus wrote anything about a Jesus of Nazareth, he may very well have written about Yeshu ben Perachiah. In Antiquities of the Jews, Josephus refers to “righteous man” named Onias who “especially loved God.” He recounts how Onias had brought rain during a drought and that Onias had hid himself during a conflict that erupted between Hyrcanus II and Aristobulus II just before Passover, similar to how Yeshu is said to have escaped to Antioch just before the Passover, and also similar to how just as Jesus “no longer went about openly among the Jews, but left the district for a town called Ephraim” (NJB, John 11.54). Honi, Yeshu, and Jesus are then each put to death on Passover. (Unlike the Gospel of John, the Synoptic gospels instead use the Passover meal as the Last Supper, putting the crucifixion shortly after Passover, while the Gospel of John uses the Passover death to emphasize Jesus’ role as the “Lamb of God,” slaughtered at the same time the lambs were being slaughtered inside the Temple.)

When Aristobulus besieged Hyrcanus inside Jeruslem, Onias was captured and brought to Hyrcanus, where he was ordered to curse Aristobulus’ army. Onias instead spoke to the crowd saying, “Oh God, King of the universe, since these men standing beside me are your people, and those who are besieged are your priests, I ask you not to pay any attention to them against these men, nor to bring to pass what these men ask you to do against those others” (14. 23-24). This final act, calling God not to bring his wrath on either side, is comparable to a late verse that was interpolated into the Gospel of Luke, in which Jesus asks God to forgive those who were crucifying him “for they do not know what they are doing.” (23:34). For fooling Hyrcanus, Onias was stoned to death, and “[a]s a result, not only the Jews, but many people of other nations as well, were indignant and angry over the unjust murder of the man.”

In the Mishnah there is a story of a scholar known as Honi the Circle-Drawer, who performed miracles in the tradition of Elijah and Elisha during the reign of King Jannaeus and Queen Salome. The gospels of Mark and Matthew likewise compare Jesus to Elijah nine times. When there had been no characteristic winter rains in Israel, it was said that Honi prayed for rain (Ta’anit 3:8). When that did not work, he drew a circle around himself in the dust and swore on God’s name that he would not move until God “had compassion on his children.” Rains did come, but they were at first too light, and then too hard, flooding the city of Jerusalem before stopping. Honi’s ability to control the weather appears characteristic of the story of Jesus calming the storm, one of the few Synoptic miracle stories that doesn’t involve healing.

Rabbi Simon Ben Shetach, the brother of Queen Salome, then sent Honi a message saying, that if it had not been him who had been him who acted so petulant before God, he would have excommunicated him: “But what shall I do to you, for you act like a spoiled child before God and He does your will for you, like a son who acts like a spoiled child with his father and he does his will for him?” Simon Ben Shetach is the also the Pharisee who conspired with Judas in the Life of Christ to have Yeshu captured. The Gospel of Mark, which is hostile towards the disciples, especially Simon, James, and John, has the reincarnated Jesus implicitly compare Simon ben Shetach to the apostle Peter by giving Simon his name and then having Simon Peter take part in denying Jesus at the same part of the story that Simon ben Shetach betrays Yeshu.

In 40 B.C., the son of Aristobulus II cut the ears off Hyrcanus II so as to make him ineligible for the office of high priest. The gospel story of one of Jesus’ disciples cutting off the ear of the servant to the high priest may have been an attempt to make a symbolic reference to this historic event. If so, it may also bring about a more macabre understanding behind the strangely repetative call in the sayings of Jesus: “Let those who have ears hear.”

Josephus and Maccabees describe how the Onias dynasty was the official Zadokite high priest family that ministered over the Jerusalem Temple before the tyrannical Seleucid king Antiochus Epiphanes deposed Onias III. Onias was eventually lured out of the sanctuary of Daphne near Antioch by an usurper priest named Menelaus under the sworn pledge of nonviolence. Onias’ son, Onias IV, was bought some land near Heliopolis and had a Jewish temple there. Ever since the Onias dynasty was plundered of its birthright, the priests of the line of Aaron had not ministered the Temple as demanded by Leviticus, for even after the Hasmoneans set up an independent Jewish kingdom, the Maccabean kings had found it necessary to keep control of the Temple’s finances in order to pay tribute or hire mercenaries. Philo spoke of how Egyptian Jews, including himself, paid homage to the temples in both Egypt and Jerusalem.

As shown by Randel McCraw Helms, the Book of Daniel identifies Onias III as the Messiah in its coded prophecy of the Apocalypse, which reads:

Know this, then, and understand: From the time there went out this message: “Return and rebuild Jerusalem” to the coming of an Anointed Prince, seven weeks and sixty-two weeks, with squares and ramparts restored and rebuilt, but in a time of trouble. And after the sixty-two weeks an Anointed One put to death without his . . . city and sanctuary ruined by a prince who is to come. The end of that prince will be catastrophe and, until the end, there will be war and all the devastation decreed. He will strike a firm alliance with many people for the space of a week; and for the space of one half-week he will put a stop to sacrifice and oblation, and on the wing of the Temple will be the appalling abomination until the end, until the doom assigned to the devastator. (NJB 9:25-27).

The seven ‘weeks’ represents the 49 years between the destruction of Solomon’s Temple in 587 B.C. to the building of the second in 538 B.C. The 62 ‘weeks’ represents 434 years from the issuing of the decree to rebuild Jerusalem in 605 B.C. until Onias III was assassinated in 171 B.C. The ’half-week’ represents the 4 years between then and Antiochus putting an end to sacrifices and offerings in 167 B.C., when he set up a the “abomination that causes desolation,” a clear reference to the sacrifice of pigs upon an altar of Zeus which was set up in the Jerusalem Temple by Antiochus. The last ‘week’ represents the seven years between the death of Onias III and the rededication by Judas Maccabee in 164 B.C. Thus, the “70 years” originally prophesized by Jeremiah became 70 ‘weeks’ of years, or 490 years, divided into a seven-week period, a 62-week period, and a final one-week period (Helms, Who 28).

Since both Onias III and the Teacher of Righteousness were both high priests in conflict with the Jerusalem priesthood and died a martyr’s death, it would make sense if they were one and the same.

If Honi the Circle Drawer was a descendant of the Onias dynasty, then it’s possible that Yeshu had a claim to be high priest of the Temple as well as a Messianic legacy backed by scripture. This could explain the role of high priest given to him in the Epistle to the Hebrews, which says: “When Christ came as high priest, he went through the greater and more perfect tabernacle that is not man-made, that is to say, not a part of this creation” (9:11). But if Honi the Circle-Drawer came into conflict with Shimeon Ben Shetach over the rights of the Jerusalem Temple, then we might expect some reflection of this in the gospel tradition. In fact, the Gospel of Mark records a story Jesus tells after the Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem in which a man plants a vineyard before going away on a journey, affter which he keeps sending servants to collect some of the fruit from the tenents he hired, but each time the servant is beaten and run off. The vineyard owner then sent his son thinking the tenents would respect his son, but the tenents instead kill the son for the inheritance, after which Jesus asks, “Now what will the owner of the vineyard do? He will come and make an end of the tenants and give the vineyard to others” (NJB 12.9). This parable in particular scares the Pharisees and the gospel says it was at this point that they began to try to look for a way to have him arrested. The vineyard is symbolic of the temple in Jerusalem, but if Jesus was a simple peasant from Nazareth, what right would he have to the Temple?

However, if the power dynamic behind the priestly rights to the Temple was part of the motive behind the conflict in the mystery surrounding the Honi dynasty, then the expected tradition handed down through the Gospels would be one of respect and admiration for the Jerusalem Temple. The prophecy Jesus makes of the temple’s downfall does not prove any personal hostility towards Temple itself. Even the story of Jesus clearing the Temple of merchants could be interpreted as a symbolic cleansing of the temple, a ritual done many times historically whenever the Temple had been descrated. But the problem with the episode is the assumption that sacrificial animals should not be sold at the temple, which seems to insinuate that either sacrificial animals are meant to be led through the city from outside Jerusalem in order to be slaughtered or that animals should not be slaughtered at the Jerusalem Temple in complete violation of Leviticus. Considering a large number of early Christian sects were vegetarian, the second option should not be so quickly dismissed. It is possible that the antagonism towards the Temple was a later addition but the equal distribution of the story through all four gospels makes the episode appear to be an early part of the story.

The passive aggressive undertone against the Temple in the gospel becomes even more pronounced in apocrypha. The Gospel of Thomas quotes Jesus as saying, ““I will destroy [this] house, and no one will be able to build it [again].” (71). The Gospel of John seems to reacting against this assumption that Jesus was hostile towards the Temple when he uses an obviously redacted saying: “Destroy this Temple, and in three days I will raise it up” (NJB 2.19). Although “the Jews” think Jesus is talking about the Temple, John assures his reader he was really talking about his body. It is possible that after the Jerusalem temple was destroyed in 70 A.D., Hellenistic writers decided to rewrite Jesus as being hostile towards the Temple to align better with their dualistic theology of ignoring earthly ceremonies, or, considering Tertullian claimed Jews regularly denigrated Jesus as a “Samaritan,” it could be that Yeshu decided to ally himself with Samaritans hostile to the Jerusalem Temple and the tradition of Jesus’ hostility towards the temple is genuine.

There is also another Talmudic story in the Mishnah in which Honi meets a man planting a carob tree that won’t “bear fruit” for another 70 years, but the man explains to Honi that he is planting the tree for his children just as his his father and grandfather planted carob trees for him. Honi then went to sleep on a rock and woke up next to a carob tree 70 years later. He went to the house of study, where he overheard the sages say, “‘This tradition is as clear to us now as it was in the days of Honi the Circle Maker,” for whenever he came to the academy, he would settle any difficulty the sages had,” but when Honi identified himself, no one believed him (Ta’anit 23a). The concept of “bearing fruit” as a symbol for the handing down of a religious tradition is one of the most common metaphors in the gospel parables of Jesus. The story is a representation of how traditions change far beyond what their original founder intended. If the gospel traditions of Jesus are ultimately derived from the folktales surrounding Honi the Circle-Drawer, then the writers of the Mishnah were more prophetic than any of them could have known. Seventy years is also the span of time between when Honi was killed and when the Gospel Jesus would have been born.

Added together, we have four sources supplying evidence for dating Jesus to the Hasmonian age: The Toledot Yeshu, Epiphanius, Neubauer, and Ben Serapion, yet the argument is not even entertained in the majority of popular scholarship. In his book, Jesus Outside the New Testament, biblical scholar Robert E. Van Voorst said he Toledot “may contain a few older traditions from ancient Jewish polemic against Christians, but we learn nothing new or significant from it. Scholarly consensus is correct to discount it as a reliable source for the historical Jesus.” Strangely, after summarily discounting the Toledot and Talmudic traditions, Van Voorst says that the Jewish references to Jesus “provide an even stronger case than those in classical literature that [Jesus] did indeed exist,” (133). Van Voorst ponders over why there are not more contemporary references to Jesus, conceding that the Jewish sources are more corroborative to his existence — though not as reliable in historical content — as the entire canonical tradition, yet without even a deliberation on the question as to whether the historical Jesus may have lived when they say he lived.

Although Ellegård appears to have been premature in identifying Jesus with the Teacher of Righteousness since there is increasing evidence the Techer of Righteousness lived closer to 150 B.C., his intuition in dating the Jesus of the Pauline epistles to living a full century before the letter’s author is no less prescient today than when he wrote it. Ever since the literalistic form of Apostolic Christianity promoted by St. Irenaeus in the late second-century A.D. became the most popularly accepted sect of Christianity following the Council of Nicaea, the primary theological assumption of New Testament scholarship has been that the gospels are being historical in referring to Jesus as being crucified and that the references in the epistles attribuited to Paul, James, and Peter of Jesus being “hung on a tree” are symbolic of the wooden cross, but the evidence presented here completely reverses that assumption: it has always been the epistles that were being historical and the gospels that were being symbolic by associating the destruction of the Jewish Temple and subsequent cruficixion of the messianic rebels in 70 A.D. with the earlier martyr figure who helped inspire some of them.

This is an excerpt from a book I’m working on called “The Four Stages of Mythological Development.” I’ve also recently updated the Science and Archaeologist News section at Lost-History.com.

The Founding Fathers on Religion

Jefferson on Christianity

Mike Hukabee was on The Daily Show yesterday and they started talking about David Barton, an evangelical Christian minister and political activist that Hackabee called “the greatest historian in America.” Barton is one of those historians who believes the Founding Fathers based the core principals of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights not on the values on the Enlightenment, but on the Bible. Of course, it’s the opposite that’s true. Starting with Emperor Constantine in the 300s A.D., virtually every country in Europe since the Fall of Rome has tried to base their nation’s values on Christianity while America was the first to base it’s values on the concepts of individual freedom.

Below are some quotes from Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams, proving they were all (with the partial exception of Washington) Deists and Unitarians. The same is true for John Quincy Adams, Thomas Paine, Ethan Allen, and Abraham Lincoln. Many, like George Washington, were also Freemasons, liberal religious thinkers who are/were discredited by most Catholics and Protestants. Jefferson in particular was very hostile to organized religion and believed it always corrupted a free society. He also wrote the Jefferson Bible in which he combined the sayings of Jesus from the four gospels and cut out all the miracles and references to Jesus’ divinity.

Thomas Jefferson Quotes:

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law.” -Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814

“In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own.” -Thomas Jefferson, letter to Horatio G. Spafford, March 17, 1814

“They [the clergy] believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. But this is all they have to fear from me: & enough too in their opinion, & this is the cause of their printing lying pamphlets against me. . .” -Thomas Jefferson

“History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes.” -Thomas Jefferson to Alexander von Humboldt, Dec. 6, 1813

“Man once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind.” – Thomas Jefferson to James Smith, 1822.

“Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.” -Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782

“Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear.” -Thomas Jefferson, letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787

“Among the sayings and discourses imputed to him [Jesus] by his biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others again of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism, and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same being.” -Thomas Jefferson, letter to William Short, April 13, 1820

“To talk of immaterial existences is to talk of nothings. To say that the human soul, angels, god, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no god, no angels, no soul. I cannot reason otherwise: but I believe I am supported in my creed of materialism by Locke, Tracy, and Stewart. At what age of the Christian church this heresy of immaterialism, this masked atheism, crept in, I do not know. But heresy it certainly is.” -Thomas Jefferson, letter to John Adams, Aug. 15, 1820

“The whole history of these books [the Gospels] is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills.” -Thomas Jefferson in a letter to John Adams, January 24, 1814

“I concur with you strictly in your opinion of the comparative merits of atheism and demonism, and really see nothing but the latter in the being worshipped by many who think themselves Christians.” -Thomas Jefferson , letter to Richard Price, Jan. 8, 1789

Quotes on George Washington:

Washington, out of the Big Four (along with Jefferson, Madison, and Franklin), is the most religious of all: half-Anglican, half-Deist. While he was President, Washington attended Christ Church (an Anglican/Episcopalian congregation) in Philadelphia. Although he was an Anglican and an Episcopalian, Washington reportedly did not take communion and was not considered an official “communicant” (full-fledged adult church member).

“Dr. Rush tells me that he had it from Asa Green that when the clergy addressed Genl. Washington on his departure from the govmt, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Xn religion and they thot they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However he observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets & believed himself to be so, has often told me that Genl. Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did.” – Thomas Jefferson, journal entry for February 1, 1800, a few weeks after Washington’s death.

James Madison Quotes:

“An alliance or coalition between Government and religion cannot be too carefully guarded against……Every new and successful example therefore of a PERFECT SEPARATION between ecclesiastical and civil matters is of importance……..religion and government will exist in greater purity, without (rather) than with the aid of government.” – James Madison in a letter to Livingston, 1822, from Leonard W. Levy- The Establishment Clause, Religion and the First Amendment, p. 124

“And I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in showing that religion and Government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together.” -James Madison

“What influence, in fact, have ecclesiastical establishments had on society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the civil authority; on many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny; in no instance have they been the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wish to subvert the public liberty may have found an established clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate it, needs them not.” – James Madison, “A Memorial and Remonstrance”, 1785

“Religion flourishes in greater purity, without than with the aid of Government.” -James Madison

“Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise, every expanded prospect. ” -James Madison

Quotes on James Madison:

“Offered for the Legislature, and it was objected to [Madison], by his opponents, that he was better suited to the pulpit than to the legislative hall. His religious feeling, however, seems to have been short-lived. His political associations were those of infidel principles, of whom there were many in his day, if they did not actually change his creed, yet subjected him to a general suspicion of it.” -William Meade, Episcopal Bishop of Virginia, based on the account of Reverend Alexander Balmaine, husband of one of Madison’s favorite cousins and the Episcopal priest who officiated at his marriage to Dolly Paine Todd.

“I was never at Mr. Madison’s but once, and then our conversation took such a turn–though not designed on my part–as to call forth some expressions and arguments which left the impression on my mind that his creed was not strictly regulated by the Bible.” -Bishop Meade

“He talked of religious sects and parties and was curious to know how the cause of liberal Christianity stood with us, and if the Athanasian [Nicene] creed was well received by our Episcopalians. He pretty distinctly intimated to me his own regard for the Unitarian doctrines. ” -Irving Brant, biographer, based on a Bostonian’s account of an 1815 dinner table conversation with Madison

Benjamin Franklin Quotes:

“You desire to know something of my religion. It is the first time I have been questioned upon it. But I cannot take your curiosity amiss, and shall endeavor in a few words to gratify it. Here is my creed. I believe in one God, the creator of the universe. That he governs by his providence. That he ought to be worshipped. That the most acceptable service we render to him is doing good to his other children. That the soul of man is immortal, and will be treated with justice in another life respecting its conduct in this. These I take to be the fundamental points in all sound religion, and I regard them as you do in whatever sect I meet with them.

“As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think his system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting changes, and I have, with most of the present dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity; though it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an opportunity of knowing the truth with less trouble. I see no harm, however, in its being believed, if that belief has the good consequences, as probably it has, of making his doctrines more respected and more observed; especially as I do not perceive that the Supreme takes it amiss, by distinguishing the unbelievers in his government of the world with any peculiar marks of his displeasure.” -Benjamin Franklin to Ezra Stiles, March 9, 1790

“My parents had given me betimes religions impressions, and I received from my infancy a pious education in the principles of Calvinism. But scarcely was I arrived at fifteen years of age, when, after having doubted in turn of different tenets, according as I found them combated in the different books that I read, I began to doubt of Revelation itself” -Benjamin Franklin, Autobiography, p. 66

“The time which I devoted to these exercises, and to reading, was the evening after my day’s labor was finished, the morning before it began, and Sundays when I could escape divine service. While I lived with my father, he had insisted on my punctual attendance on public worship, and I still indeed considered it as a duty, but a duty which I thought I had no time to practice” -Benjamin Franklin, p. 16

“Charmed to a degree of enthusiasm with this mode of disputing, I adopted it, and renouncing blunt contradictions, and direct and positive argument, I assumed the character of a humble questioner. The perusal of Shaftesbury and Collins had made me a skeptic; and, being previously so as to many doctrines of Christianity, I found Socrates’ method to be both the safest for myself, as well as the most embarrassing to those against whom I applied it. It soon afforded me singular pleasure; I incessantly practiced it; and became very adroit in obtaining, even from persons of superior understanding, concessions of which they did not foresee the consequence” -Benjamin Franklin, p. 17

“I began to be regarded, by pious souls, with horror, either as an apostate or an Atheist” -Benjamin Franklin, p. 22

Quote on Benjamin Franklin:

“In Boston, in 1721, when the pulpit had marshaled Quakers and witches to the gallows, one newspaper, the New England Courant, the fourth American periodical, was established as an organ of independent opinion, by James Franklin. Its temporary success was advanced by Benjamin, his brother and apprentice, a boy of fifteen, who wrote pieces for its humble columns.

“The little sheet satirized hypocrisy and spoke of religious knaves as of all knaves the worst. This was described as tending ‘to abuse the ministers of religion in a manner which was intolerable.’ ‘I can well remember,’ writes Increase Mather, then more than four score years of age, ‘when the civil government would have taken an effectual course to suppress such a cursed libel.’ “The ministers persevered, and, in January, 1723, a committee of inquiry was raised by the legislature. Benjamin Franklin, being examined, escaped with an admonition; James, the publisher, refusing to discover the author of the offense, was kept in jail for a month; his paper was censured as reflecting injuriously on the reverend ministers of the gospel; and, by a vote of the House and Council, he was forbidden to print it, ‘except it be first supervised.'” -Goodrich’s Reader (Fifth, pp. 273, 274)

John Adams Quotes:

“The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles?” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, June 20, 1815

“The United States of America have exhibited, perhaps, the first example of governments erected on the simple principles of nature; and if men are now sufficiently enlightened to disabuse themselves of artifice, imposture, hypocrisy, and superstition, they will consider this event as an era in their history. Although the detail of the formation of the American governments is at present little known or regarded either in Europe or in America, it may hereafter become an object of curiosity. It will never be pretended that any persons employed in that service had interviews with the gods, or were in any degree under the influence of Heaven, more than those at work upon ships or houses, or laboring in merchandise or agriculture; it will forever be acknowledged that these governments were contrived merely by the use of reason and the senses.” -John Adams, “A Defence of the Constitutions of Government of the United States of America” (1787-88)

“Thirteen governments [of the original states] thus founded on the natural authority of the people alone, without a pretence of miracle or mystery, and which are destined to spread over the northern part of that whole quarter of the globe, are a great point gained in favor of the rights of mankind.” -John Adams, “A Defence of the Constitutions of Government of the United States of America” (1787-88)

“We should begin by setting conscience free. When all men of all religions … shall enjoy equal liberty, property, and an equal chance for honors and power … we may expect that improvements will be made in the human character and the state of society.” -John Adams, letter to Dr. Price, April 8, 1785

“As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?” -John Adams, letter to FA Van der Kamp, December 27, 1816

“The frightful engines of ecclesiastical councils, of diabolical malice, and Calvinistical good-nature never failed to terrify me exceedingly whenever I thought of preaching.” -John Adams, letter to his brother-in-law, Richard Cranch, October 18, 1756, explaining why he rejected the ministry

“I shall have liberty to think for myself without molesting others or being molested myself.” -John Adams, letter to his brother-in-law, Richard Cranch, August 29, 1756, explaining how his independent opinions would create much difficulty in the ministry,

“When philosophic reason is clear and certain by intuition or necessary induction, no subsequent revelation supported by prophecies or miracles can supersede it.” -John Adams, from Rufus K Noyes

“Indeed, Mr. Jefferson, what could be invented to debase the ancient Christianism which Greeks, Romans, Hebrews and Christian factions, above all the Catholics, have not fraudulently imposed upon the public? Miracles after miracles have rolled down in torrents.” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, December 3, 1813

“Cabalistic Christianity, which is Catholic Christianity, and which has prevailed for 1,500 years, has received a mortal wound, of which the monster must finally die. Yet so strong is his constitution, that he may endure for centuries before he expires.” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, July 16, 1814

“I do not like the reappearance of the Jesuits…. Shall we not have regular swarms of them here, in as many disguises as only a king of the gipsies can assume, dressed as printers, publishers, writers and schoolmasters? If ever there was a body of men who merited damnation on earth and in Hell, it is this society of Loyola’s. Nevertheless, we are compelled by our system of religious toleration to offer them an asylum.” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, May 5, 1816

“Let the human mind loose. It must be loose. It will be loose. Superstition and dogmatism cannot confine it.” -John Adams, letter to his son, John Quincy Adams, November 13, 1816

“Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, May 19, 1821

“I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!” -John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson

“The priesthood have, in all ancient nations, nearly monopolized learning…. And, even since the Reformation, when or where has existed a Protestant or dissenting sect who would tolerate A FREE INQUIRY? The blackest billingsgate, the most ungentlemanly insolence, the most yahooish brutality is patiently endured, countenanced, propagated, and applauded. But touch a solemn truth in collision with a dogma of a sect, though capable of the clearest proof, and you will soon find you have disturbed a nest, and the hornets will swarm about your legs and hands, and fly into your face and eyes.” -John Adams, letter to John Taylor, 1814

“The Church of Rome has made it an article of faith that no man can be saved out of their church, and all other religious sects approach this dreadful opinion in proportion to their ignorance, and the influence of ignorant or wicked priests.” -John Adams, Diary and Autobiography

“What havoc has been made of books through every century of the Christian era? Where are fifty gospels condemned as spurious by the bull of Pope Gelasius? Where are forty wagon-loads of Hebrew manuscripts burned in France, by order of another pope, because of suspected heresy? Remember the Index Expurgato-rius, the Inquisition, the stake, the axe, the halter, and the guillotine; and, oh! horrible, the rack! This is as bad, if not worse, than a slow fire. Nor should the Lion’s Mouth be forgotten. Have you considered that system of holy lies and pious frauds that has raged and triumphed for 1,500 years.” -John Adams, letter to John Taylor, 1814

“God is an essence that we know nothing of. Until this awful blasphemy [of the Incarnation of Christ] is got rid of, there never will be any liberal science in the world.” -John Adams

A Glenn Beck Timeline

Glenn Beck

[Updated on June 3rd]

Glenn Beck is unique. He is not quite your run-of-the-mill Republican commentator. While most Fox News conservative hacks typically talk about the same material, Beck often stays away from the Republican echo chamber and even refrains from typical Birther talk. If G. Gordon Liddy in the Joker, and Rush Limbaugh is the Penguin, and Sean Hannity is Two-Face, and Ann Coulter is Cat Woman, then Glenn Beck would have to be the Riddler. His chalk boards of insanity can lead one to believe he’s following tons of clues left behind by puppet-masters for quiz masters like himself to decode, though what he’s really doing is trying to fuse political activism with entertainment by creating never-ending acronyms. Beck, more than any of the others, is the Official Conspiracy Theorist of the Right, taking blantantly untrue facts about the past and twisting them to make illogical explanations for the present.

As David Frum, a Conservative blogger and former Bush speechwriter, wrote in the New York Times:

“Too often, conservatives dupe themselves. They wrap themselves in closed information systems based upon pretend information. In this closed information system, banks can collapse without injuring the rest of the economy, tax cuts always pay for themselves and Congressional earmarks cause the federal budget deficit. Even the market collapse has not shaken some conservatives out of their closed information system. It enfolded them more closely within it. This is how to understand the Glenn Beck phenomenon. Every day, Beck offers alternative knowledge — an alternative history of the United States and the world, an alternative system of economics, an alternative reality. As corporate profits soar, the closed information system insists that the free-enterprise system is under assault. As prices slump, we are warned of imminent hyperinflation. As black Americans are crushed under Depression-level unemployment, the administration’s policies are condemned by some conservatives as an outburst of Kenyan racial revenge against the white overlord.”

The life of Glenn Beck is a long one filled with many episodes, each one terrible in its own right. Only by compacting it into one 34-year time line can we appreciate how horrible it all is:

A Glenn Beck Timeline

1977: Glenn Beck’s parents divorce due to his mother’s drug addictions and fits of depression. Soon afterwards, Beck wins a contest at age 13 to be a DJ for an hour. Before long, he was working three jobs at three radio stations — and within a year, he was fired from all three. He was 14.

1979: Alexander Zaitchik writes:

“Early one morning in May 1979, a 41-year-old divorcee named Mary Beck went boating in Washington’s Puget Sound. Her companions on the expedition were a retired papermaker named Orean Carrol, whose boat she helped launch near the Tacoma suburb of Puyallup, and Carrol’s pet dog. Exactly what happened next remains shrouded in morning mist, but among the crew, only the dog would survive the day. The boat was recovered late that afternoon adrift near Vashon Island, just north of Tacoma. It was empty but for two wallets and the frightened animal. Mary Beck’s body was discovered floating fully clothed nearby. Carrol’s corpse washed ashore at the Vashon ferry terminal the following morning.

The county coroner found no evidence of violence on either body. Police investigators told Tacoma’s News Tribune that the double drowning appeared to be a classic man-overboard mishap — a failed rescue attempt in which both parties perished….

Since launching his talk radio career in the late ’90s, Beck has constructed a persona anchored in a biography of struggle and redemption…. Over the course of many retellings, the tragedy of Mary Beck would become the cornerstone event in her son’s personal narrative of redemption, and that tale of rebirth would became the cornerstone of his career. But the story Glenn Beck often tells about his mother is not quite the one recorded by the Tacoma paper. As Beck would later relate to millions of his listeners, his mother’s drowning was no boating accident. It was a suicide, he claimed, explained in a short note written on that fateful dawn and left on the mantel. And he said it happened in 1977, when he was 13, not 1979, when he was 15 (even though newspaper obits and government records confirm that a 41-year-old woman named Mary Beck died in Puyallup in 1979.) In fact, Beck’s first wife had never heard of Mary Beck’s alleged suicide until years after they married, when she heard her husband discussing it live on the radio.”

What’s even more surprising is that Beck continues to refer to “the suicide of his mother when he was just thirteen…” on his website.

1982: Beck begins smoking pot every day, starting at age 16. Beck takes a job at K 96, a small adult-contemporary station in Provo, Utah, just south of Salt Lake City. Looking back on the first day, Beck writes, “I pulled out a cigarette and everybody said, ‘Oh … I thought you were Mormon. And I said, ‘Oh … I thought you were normal.'” Beck openly called his Mormon colleagues “freaks,” quickly souring relationships with everyone around him. Due to the era of deregulation, the FCC began removing constraints on radio ownership across a range of areas, from public-service content quotas to filing requirements, including an “anti-trafficking” rule that barred investors from quick flipping stations for profit. The result was a radio bubble fueled by a newly feverish market for properties. Between 1982 and 1990, almost half of the country’s stations would change hands at least once. Salaries boom and DJs begin a feverish war for ratings.

February 1983: Beck takes job at WGPC. Colleage Dave Fox remembers: “He never talked politics back then. He even used to chide Theismann for his political rants, telling him, ‘Well, don’t sugarcoat it, Joe.'” There he meets his future wife Claire and fellow DJ Bruce Kelley, who would pass joints with him during the night shift in the office of the station president, a strict Mormon. Beck begins using cocaine. Kelly gives him his first lessons in marketing and publicity, and one day saves his life. When Beck slipped while playing ball and swallowed his tongue, Kelly pulled it out from his throat.

Late 1983: Jim Sumpter, became vice-president of the Malkan radio chain in Texas, lures Beck southwest with the promise of his own morning show, the Morning Zoo, at Corpus Christi’s KZFM, the city’s leading Top 40 station, where Beck fights his first ratings war. In a promotional war with KITE, the Zoo Team begin calling themselves the “KITE Killers” and began attending promotional events dressed in Army surplus camo fatigues and berets. “They’d roll up to promotional gigs and jump out of the limo in uniform, waving plastic machine guns,” remembers Barry Kaye, a programmer at the station. Many of the audio and visual tropes Beck employs today — the Muppet voices, the outrageous statements, the props, the stunts, the fawning and giggling supporting cast — can be traced to the zoo and post-zoo radio culture that sustained him professionally for years. At 19, Beck’s talents are admired by his cast members, and he talks about making it big in New York. Church Dunaway, a KITE staffer, recalls early in his tenure showing up to the KITE studio and finding each of the station’s front doors — the only exit in a converted storefront building — glued shut. A demolition crew had to knock the front door down so that the “KITE Killers” could get inside in time to start their show. Then there were other pranks that posed less of a fire hazard. Throughout 1983, Dunaway and his staff were anonymously placed on dozens of mailing lists for magazines and books delivered cash-on-delivery. The soundtrack for it all was a Beck-written “Ghostbusters” spoof that became a local hit during Beck’s morning show, called “KITE-busters.”

1985: Seeing Beck’s appeal to younger listeners, Louisville, Kentucky’s WRKA hires Beck on a $70,000 salary, making him the largest investment in the station’s makeover. As a signing bonus, Beck received a gold Rolex. Beck makes frequent fat jokes about Liz Curtis, an afternoon advice show host for a local AM radio show Beck wasn’t competing in ratings with. He often employed Godzilla sound effects and several days before her wedding, Beck employed a skit where a spy told him that, “The caterer says that instead of throwing rice after the ceremony, they are going to throw hot, buttered popcorn.” As his attacks escalated and grew more unhinged, a WHAS colleague of Curtis’ named Terry Meiners decided to intervene. He appeared one morning unannounced at Beck’s small office, which was filled with plaques, letters and news clippings — “a shrine to all that is Glenn Beck,” remembers Meiners. He told Beck to lay off Curtis, suggesting he instead attack a morning DJ like himself, who could return fire. “Beck told me, ‘Sorry, all’s fair in love and war,'” remembers Meiners. “He continued with the fat jokes, which were exceedingly cruel, pointless, and aimed at one of the nicest people in radio. Glenn Beck was over-the-top childish from Day One, a punk who tried to make a name for himself by being disruptive and vengeful.”

April 15, 1986: Ronald Reagan orders U.S. warplanes to bomb Moammar Gadhafi’s Tripoli palace in response to the bombing of a Berlin nightclub frequented by U.S. servicemen. Beck, sounding stoned, opens the show with a prayer and Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” then plays patriotic music and a New Wave-ish spoof titled “Qaddafi Sucks.” Dozens of callers applaud him for “standing up for America.” When someone argued that Reagan should have dropped more bombs, Beck agreed. “I personally don’t think we did enough,” he says. “We should’ve went over [sic] there and bombed the hell out of ’em.” When a young male caller suggests kidnapping Libyan agents and then torturing them by sliding them down razor blades into waiting pools of alcohol, Beck simply replies, “Thanks for the call. Buh-bye.”

Early 1987: Zaitchik writes:

“Beck’s signature mix of Gadhafi songs, fat jokes and racial impersonations had made waves, but failed to produce numbers. With Beck at the helm during morning drive, WRKA slipped to third in the market. He was fired and the station brought its youth experiment to an end.” WRKA switches to an oldies format. Looking back, Beck says he was drinking heavily, using cocaine and contemplating suicide. “There was a bridge abutment in Louisville, Kentucky, that had my name on it,” Beck later wrote. “Every day I prayed for the strength to be able to drive my car at 70 mph into that bridge abutment. I’m only alive today because (a) I’m too cowardly to kill myself … and (b) I’m too stupid.”

1987: Zaitchik writes:

“Beck was hired once again as a strategic youth injection. This time the channel in need of fresh energy was the Phoenix Top 40 powerhouse KOY FM, known as Y95. The station brought in Beck to fill the morning shoes of a middle-aged DJ named Bill Heywood, whose mellow persona and long career made him a Phoenix institution, but one out of step with the times. Heywood may have interviewed everyone from JFK to Sinatra, but he lacked the zany chops needed to keep up with Beck’s old friend from D.C. Bruce Kelly, then hosting the market’s leading morning show on rival station KZZP. As ever, Kelly was a flamboyant master of publicity stunts as well as a top-rated morning jock. Since parting ways with Beck in D.C., he had completed the Boston Marathon on a custom pogo stick and convinced John McCain to dive into a pool of chocolate. To compete with Kelly, Y95 needed someone who could make a lot of noise. Beck was their man.

At first, Kelly was happy to have his old friend in the same town. “My wife and I were excited when Glenn and Claire told us they were moving to Phoenix,” says Kelly. But these warm feelings didn’t last long. Something had changed in Beck. In Phoenix, Beck became known for an outsize and mischievous ego — a reputation that would dog him for the rest of his Top 40 career. This new Beck was symbolized by the cars that stocked the garage of his Phoenix ranch house: a navy blue Cadillac, and that symbol of ’80s excess, a DeLorean.

The station partnered Beck with a 26-year-old Arizona native named Tim Hattrick. More relaxed by nature than Beck, Hattrick expected that the two would share duties on the show as partners. But Beck had other ideas. His first day in the studio, Beck called Hattrick into his office and laid down the law. “I remember Beck sat me down and pulled out a notepad on which he had drawn a planet being orbited by satellites,” says Hattrick. “On the big planet, Glenn wrote ‘Me.’ Then he pointed to the orbiting satellites and wrote names on them, such as ‘Tim,’ ‘News,’ and ‘Clydie Clyde.’ I’ll never forget Beck telling me I was a satellite. He was younger than me but carried himself like he was 35 or 40.”

Dispelling any doubts about the station’s new direction, Y95 also rented a mascot monkey, named Zippy the Chimp. Station managers flew Beck and Hattrick to New York, where they watched Scott Shannon run his zoo at Z100. Back in Phoenix, the Beck-Hattrick show was announced in a local TV ad that marks the 23-year-old Beck’s television debut. In the 30-second spot, Beck appears puffy-faced in a brown leather jacket. Next to him is the slimmer Hattrick in a satin Phoenix Suns warmer. The two young DJs are sitting in the studio stirring each other’s coffee when an announcer’s voice declares: “The new Y95 morning zookeepers — Glenn Beck and Tim Hattrick!”

Beck: “We told our bosses right upfront, ‘We don’t need gimmicks to sell the new Y95.”

Hattrick: “We’ve got a better mix of music, great DJs who don’t yak too much — ”

Beck: “Plenty of easy contests for you to win lots of free money — ”

Hattrick: “Plus more continuous music, Y95 Airborne traffic report, and special guests!”

Beck: “With all that, who needs gimmicks?”

As Beck delivers this last line, balloons and cash fall from the ceiling, model airplanes zip by, and a loud cuckoo clock goes off, sight unseen. Zippy the Chimp jumps onto the table wearing a yellow “Y Morning Zoo” T-shirt. The ad summarizes in 30 seconds most of what you need to know about the first 15 years of Beck’s radio career.

Beck never grew close to Hattrick, who thought his new partner was talented but full of himself and incapable of thinking of anything but radio and ratings. “Beck lived, ate, drank and breathed radio,” says Hattrick, who still works as a DJ in Phoenix. “It was impossible to talk to him about anything without reference to how to bring it into the show. I never once saw any evidence that he could turn it off. In that sense he was a one-dimensional person. But he was great at being a grandstanding, pompous idiot and shaking the brushes for attention.”

Beck and Hattrick began their show far behind Kelly’s market-leading show on KZZP. As they continued to get clobbered, Beck grew obsessed with getting his name on the leading station. His first attempt to get Kelly to mention him on the air came shortly after his arrival. “I walked out to get the paper one Saturday morning,” remembers Kelly. “When I turned around, I saw that my entire house was covered in Y95 bumper stickers. The windows, the garage doors, the locks — everything. But I refused to mention Beck’s name on the air, which drove him nuts.”

Beck kept trying. When KZZP’s music director held his marriage at a Phoenix church, Beck loaded up Y95’s two Jeeps with boxes of bumper stickers and drove to the ceremony. As the service was coming to a close, Beck and his team ran crouching from car to car, slapping bumper stickers on anything with a fender. The service ended while Beck was running amok, and the KZZP morning team appeared just in time to see Beck jump into his getaway car. “Beck saw me standing in the way of the exit and gunned right for me. I threw a landscaping rock on his windshield and blocked him,” says Kelly. When his old friend demanded he roll down the window, Beck reluctantly obliged. Kelly then unloaded a mouthful of spit in his face.

“Glenn Beck was the king of dirty tricks,” says Guy Zapoleon, KZZP’s program director. “It may seem mild in retrospect, but at the time that wedding prank was nasty and over the line. Beck was always desperate for ratings and attention.”

The animosity between Beck and Kelly continued to deepen. When Beck and Hattrick produced a local version of Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” for Halloween — a recurring motif in Beck’s life and career — Kelly told a local reporter that the bit was a stupid rip-off of a syndicated gag. The slight outraged Beck, who got his revenge with what may rank as one of the cruelest bits in the history of morning radio. “A couple days after Kelly’s wife, Terry, had a miscarriage, Beck called her live on the air and says, ‘We hear you had a miscarriage,’ ” remembers Brad Miller, a former Y95 DJ and Clear Channel programmer. “When Terry said, ‘Yes,’ Beck proceeded to joke about how Bruce [Kelly] apparently can’t do anything right — about he can’t even have a baby.”

“It was low class,” says Miller, now president of Open Stream Broadcasting. “There are certain places you just don’t go.”

“Beck turned Y95 into a guerrilla station,” says Kelly. “It was an example of the zoo thing getting out of control. It became just about pissing people off, part of the culture shift that gave us ‘Jackass.'” Among those who were appalled by Beck’s prank call was Beck’s own wife, Claire, who had been friends with Kelly’s wife since the two worked together at WPGC.

Their friendship soured, Beck continued with the stunts, some of which won the competition’s begrudging admiration. The most elaborate and successful of these neatly throws a double-spotlight on both the juvenile nature of morning radio competition and the culture of pop cheese in which Beck marinated for 20 years.

Toward the end of Beck’s time in Phoenix, KZZP sponsored a free Richard Marx concert at the Tempe El Diablo stadium in downtown Phoenix. Marx was at the time riding high on a triple-platinum album, and the show was a monster publicity coup for Beck’s rival. But Beck was in no mood to let KZZP bask in the concert’s glow without a fight. He and Hattrick arrived at the stadium early on the night of the show and gave the sound technician $500 to play a prerecorded Y95 promo moments before KZZP’s Bruce Kelly was scheduled to announce the show. As an audience of nearly 10,000 waited for the show to begin, the KZZP mics were cut and Beck’s voice suddenly boomed out of the stadium’s sound system: “The Y95 Zoo team is proud to present … Richard Marx!” As soon as he heard his name, an oblivious Marx walked onto the stage and began to play. As the KZZP crew stood stunned offstage, scattered Y95 agents popped up and began throwing “Y95 Zoo” T-shirts in every direction to a cheering crowd.

“It was brilliant,” remembers Kelly, who gave Beck his first lessons in the art of publicity. “Totally brilliant. He nailed us.””

Winter 1987: Budget problems cause the mayor of Downtown Phoenix to ask Y95 to lead a fund-raising effort for holiday decorations. Beck and Hattrick come up with this idea to “steal” decorations from the City of Scottsdale. Both are arrested. “It didn’t quite go as planned, but it resulted in a lot of news coverage and contributed to a successful fundraiser,” says Mike Horne, the station’s general manager.

September 1988: Beck and Hattrick invited Jessica Hahn, who had an affair with teleavngelist Jim Bakker and was the recent Playmate of the Month. “That evening, we took Jessica out to dinner,” remembers Mike Horne. “I got up to go to the men’s room and quickly found myself surrounded at the urinal by Glenn and Tim, who began lobbying me to hire Jessica as a permanent fixture of the morning show. They negotiated the deal for an apartment, a rental car, and $2,000 a month.”

Zaitchik writes:

“One is reminded of P.T. Barnum’s famous arrangement with his longtime prize midget, Tom Thumb, who received $4 a week plus board. And indeed Beck’s showman instincts were worthy of Barnum: The hiring of Hahn as the zoo team’s “prize-and-weather bunny” became an international story. Johnny Carson and David Letterman joked about it, editorial writers debated it, and as a result Y95 received a much-needed ratings jolt. When People magazine visited the station looking for a quote, Beck described Hahn’s radio debut as “awesome” and explained that she filled the void of a “prize bunny for our zoo.” The trio was short-lived, however. After a few weeks on the job, Hahn asked to be transferred to a nighttime slot.”

Toward the end of his time in Phoenix, Beck’s wife, Claire, gave birth to a daughter. As with the rest of his life, Beck had incorporated his wife’s pregnancy into his radio show. He asked listeners to guess when his wife would go into labor and the sex of the child. When Beck came back on the air after the birth, he announced that the delivery had been problematic and that there would be no more games around the subject. The baby girl had suffered from a series of strokes at birth resulting in cerebral palsy. Beck named her Mary, after his mother.

“After the public buildup about the baby, it was all very awkward and sad,” remembers Hattrick. “I thought it was a good lesson in being careful about personal issues on the air.”

Early 1989: Beck accepts another Top 40 radio jockey job in Houston to compete against nationally syndicated zoo superstar John Lander, without a supporting cast, at a salary said to be around $300,000, reflecting “something like the morning radio equivalent of a kamikaze mission,” says Zaitchik.

His conversations with the Muppet-voiced creature were so seamless and regular that listeners showed up at promotional events asking to meet the character. “People would arrive and ask, ‘Where’s Clyde?'” remembers Mark Schecterle, KRBE’s marketing director. “We’d always tell them Clyde just left the building, but would be at the next event. Beck was a creative, totally nonpolitical disc jockey back then.”

“It was the worst time in my broadcasting career, and I wish people would stop bringing it up,” Beck told the Houston Chronicle. “It’s the most embarrassing thing I ever did on radio. If I could make everybody forget about my time in Houston, it would be good.”

“Glenn took risks and was able to generate talk, but he never took off in ratings,” says Wheeler, Beck’s program director. “The thinking at the time was Glenn was misplaced as a Top 40 morning host. He was not very hip and tended to sway in content toward things that might appeal to an older or non-music listener.”

“Radio is about numbers, and Beck didn’t produce them,” says Schecterle, Beck’s KRBE colleague. “So they fired him.” It was not an amicable split. Beck had been working under a multiyear contract and fought hard for the maximum severance. “He spent his last weeks in Houston battling on the payout with the corporate programmer,” says Wheeler. The battle was so drawn out it caught the attention of potential employers in the clubby world of Top 40 radio. According to a veteran morning radio hand, word spread that Beck was hard to work with and prone to wild behavioral swings. In industry terms, he had become “damaged goods.” He was still only 26.

1990: Beck found a new job in Baltimore at the city’s leading Top 40 station, WBSB, AKA B104 and is paired with Pat Gray, who would also go on into conservative talk radio and then work with him on Beck’s radio show. Beck announces on his show that he was going to train the world’s first bank-tube astronaut, and made “Gerry the Gerbil” a little cape. Each development was accompanied by a press release. When all the pieces were in place, Beck and Gray visited a local bank and sent the animal to a teller with a known fear of rodents. “The build-up was amazing, masterful,” says a former director at the station. “PETA was flipping out, picketing the station every day. Beck’s on the local news. He took a stupid stunt and turned it into weeks of compelling high-publicity radio. He always knew how to get attention, how to get people talking about him.”

They also run a promotional campaign for the fictional grand opening of the world’s first air-conditioned underground amusement park, called Magicland. “They never told a soul what they were doing,” says Sean Hall, the B104 newsreader. “I didn’t know until the morning it aired. People just drove around in circles on the beltway for hours trying to find the place. And that was exactly what it was supposed to elicit.”

Zaitchik writes:

“Beck was known at B104 as a pro’s pro in the studio but was becoming increasingly unraveled when not working. “Beck used to get hammered after every show at this little bar-café down the street,” remembers a music programmer who worked with Beck. “At first we thought he was going to get lunch.” The extent to which Beck was struggling to keep it together is highlighted by Beck’s arrest one afternoon just outside Baltimore. He was speeding in his DeLorean with one of the car’s gull-wing doors wide open when the cops pulled him over. According to a former colleague, Beck was “completely out of it” when a B104 manager went down to the station to bail him out. In his 2003 book, “Real America,” Beck refers to himself as a borderline schizophrenic. Whether that statement is matter-of-fact or intended for effect, he has spoken more than once about taking drugs for ADHD, and when he was at B104, Beck’s coworkers believed him to be taking prescription medication for some kind of mental or psychological ills. “He used to complain that his medication made him feel like he was ‘under wet blankets,'” remembers the former music programmer.

Today, when Beck wants to illustrate the jerk he used to be, he tells the story of the time he fired an employee for bringing him the wrong pen during a promotional event. According to former colleagues in Baltimore, Beck didn’t just fire people in fits of rage — he fired them slowly and publicly. “He used to take people to a bar and sit them down and just humiliate them in public. He was a sadist, the kind of guy who rips wings off of flies,” remembers a colleague.””

1991: First Gray then Beck is fired for not pulling in the ratings

Early 1992: The Glenn and Pat Show found second life further down the radio food chain at the New Haven Top 40 station KC101. They arrive at a dumpy little studio building at the New Haven and began spending up to 8 hours prepping for every show.

Late 1992: KC101 was purchased by Clear Channel. Beck is drinking and mixing recreational and prescription drugs, making him erratic and moody. “When Beck was not taking certain drugs he was supposed to be taking he could act very bizarre,” remembers Kelly Nash, who managed Beck in New Haven. “He didn’t want anyone questioning his authority. I remember he fired our consultant and brought in his old friend Jim Sumpter. The two of them created and launched an in-house research project that made absolutely no sense. When I confronted him on the absurdity of his approach, he said, ‘This is above your head.’ Then he locked the door to his office. I thought, ‘This guy is out of control. He’s insane.'”

1994: Zaitchik writes:

“Everywhere Beck turned, things were falling apart. His marriage was failing. Pat Gray, his best friend and creative partner, was sick of Beck’s drama, and about to move his family to Salt Lake City. (He would later describe the station under Beck as “a pretty cancerous place to be.”) Beck saw his daughters only through a pot haze and in-between blackouts. Twisting the multiple knives in Beck’s gut was the regular humiliation of Top 40 promotional stunts. In a typical KC101 event, Beck dressed up as a banana and dove into a pool full of Styrofoam.

Whatever humiliations he suffered, Orson Welles never dressed up as a banana.”

Beck’s wife leaves him that year.

November 1994: Beck imagines shooting himself to the music of the recently deceased fellow Washingtonian Kurt Cobain, but instead attends his first AA meeting, stops drinking and smoking pot, and chops off his pony tail.

Early 1995: Beck begins a spiritual quest and goes to different churches and bookstores and reads from Alan Dershowitz, Pope John Paul II, Adolf Hitler, Billy Graham, Carl Sagan, and Friedrich Nietzsche. His friend and former partner Pat Gray try to convince him to become a Mormon but Beck rejected Gray’s overtures, teasingly calling him “freak boy.”

Fall 1996: Beck and Gray start commenting on local Connecticut politics, attacking the liberal Lowell Weicker, who had left the Republican Party after losing his Senate seat, endearing them to Joe Lieberman. Lieberman in turn helps Beck enroll part-time at Yale. He took one class, “Early Christology,” and dropped out.

1997: Beck partners with a local music columnist named Vinnie Penn. “When I showed up in ’97 Beck was in a sort of wasteland, looking for a partner,” says Penn. Beck talks about syndicating the show. “Beck saw the syndication trend coming a mile away, I gotta give it to him,” says Penn. “But he came to realize that talk was the easier route for him and the better fit. When I got there he was already wondering how he was going to sustain a career in Top 40 radio when his heart wasn’t in it. He was like, ‘Where am I headed?’ At one point I remember him talking about joining the ministry.”

Beck increasingly brings politics into the show and Penn is told to try and reign him in as much as possible. “He always knew how to work people and situations for attention,” says Penn. “He could pick the most pointless story in the news that day and find a way to approach it to get phones lit up. That was his strong point — pissing people off. He was very shrewd on both the business and entertainment sides of radio. He’s built his empire on very calculated button pushing.”

“Not that this empire was imaginable back then. Mostly people noticed the button-pushing and wanted nothing to do with it,” writes Zaitchik.

“Anyone in Connecticut who says they knew Beck was destined to run an entertainment empire is full of shit,” says one of Beck’s former coworkers in New Haven. “The guy had dozens of enemies. People thought he was an annoying, washed-up has-been. When I see people today bragging that they knew him back then, I’m like, ‘But you fucking hated him!'”

Early 1998: After getting into too many political arguments with callers, Beck was given a weekday talk show on one of Clear Channel’s AM stations in exchange for returning to bubble-gum-flavored Top 40 morning radio. At first, the double-radio career strategy worked, but then “he surprised colleagues by linking up with talk radio super-agent George Hiltzik, a Democrat and a heavy hitter with New York’s N.S. Bienstock agency who also repped Matt Drudge. (And whose son, Matt, now handles P.R. for Beck.)”

August 22, 1998: Beck’s first test in real-time topical talk radio comes with his second show on WABC. The broadcast airs two days after the U.S. launched cruise missiles at suspected terrorist facilities in Afghanistan and Sudan.

Zaitchik writes:

“A story about the missile attacks catches Beck’s attention. He stops to read the dispatch about the terrorist organization targeted by the recent missile strikes. Obviously encountering it for the first time, Beck attempts and fails to pronounce “Osama bin Laden.” Embarrassed, he launches into a kind of loopy scat:

‘A paper in Pakistan received a letter from the spokesperson from, uh … Asma … Asma Bin-Lay-deen? Is that his name? Bin Lay-deen? Bin Jelly Bean Green Bean? Mr. Clean? I love him. He’s hot. He says he’s ready for war with the U.S. Oh, yes. Thank you, Mr. Baked Bean. Loosen the turban! Mr. Clean, Dig-my-scene. Oh, yes! Look at the latrine …’

That settled, Beck introduces himself to his listeners. “I don’t really consider myself a conservative,” he says, echoing Bob Grant’s self-description almost word for word. “I know I don’t consider myself a liberal. I have a brain and I like to use it sometimes.”

With that, Beck is ready to take some calls.

Someone says, “The only message these people in the Middle East get is brute force.” Beck agrees, likening that summer’s African embassy attacks to Pearl Harbor.

Another caller says he doubts Clinton would launch strikes just to deflect attention from the Lewinsky scandal, considering that action might cost lives. This confuses Beck, who asks, “Lives? We used cruise missiles.” It doesn’t occur to Beck that the caller is referring to the Sudanese working inside the medicine factory destroyed by U.S. missiles.

The next caller supports the military action, adding that he “respects Jews, Catholics and Muslims — everybody the same.” To which Beck responds, “I can’t go with you that far, Alan, but thanks for calling.”

The next caller thinks America needs to “take the fight to the enemy.” Beck agrees. “War has changed, it’s the way we have to fight it.” To drive home the point that “war has changed” and that America has entered a new and dangerous period in its history, Beck then segues to a commercial break with the chorus to “Danger Zone,” the 1986 Kenny Loggins hit and “Top Gun” theme song. Further proving you can take the man out of the 1980s, but not the 1980s out of the man, Beck returns from the break with Toto’s “Hold the Line.”

Back on air, Beck dives back into the subject of dastardly peace protestors. He raises what would become one of his favorite subjects in the coming years: the lessons of Vietnam. “The problem with Vietnam is we didn’t fight to win,” explains Beck. “When you declare a war, there are no rules. Have you learned the lesson of Vietnam that we can’t fight it half-assed? We need to fight it to the last body.”

Beck then goes for the emotional jugular for the first time. The move comes in the form of a story about an unnamed “friend” of Beck’s. This friend returned from Vietnam only to endure the abuse of protesting peaceniks. “He got off the plane from Vietnam and a woman spat in his face and called him ‘baby killer,'” explains Beck. “Then he left his medal of honor in a trash can.”

Whether Beck was aware that he was quoting almost verbatim from Sylvester Stallone’s closing monologue in “First Blood,” it is impossible to say. But whatever its source, the story is dubious. As documented by Jerry Lembcke in his book “The Spitting Image,” stories of Vietnam vets being spit upon didn’t gain currency until the 1980s. So many of those stories dissolved upon closer inspection that even after serious research efforts, not a single case of a Vietnam veteran being spat upon has ever been documented.

Beck’s story about his veteran buddy sounds so pat that even his conservative listeners have to wonder. Within minutes, a caller asks, “About your friend who threw away his medal — did that really happen?” Beck mutters, “Yes, but he regrets it now,” then changes the subject.

A few minutes later, toward the end of the first hour, Beck shifts gears. After expounding on war and peace with the certainty of someone who has spent a life thinking about these things — and not imitating Muppets between Bon Jovi songs — he swivels into a disarming Socratic stance of admitted ignorance. It is a move that would play a large role in his future appeal: the average guy who tells you the way it is, then shrugs innocently and says, “But what do I know?” The transition is obviously unpracticed, and it jars, but for the first time in the show, Beck’s words ring true.

“I don’t have a stinking answer to save my life,” he admits. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

Late 1998: Kelly Nash called Beck into his office and informed him that his contract would not be renewed.

Late 1998: After divorcing his first wife, Beck begins dating Tania.

December 1998: Beck has a fallout with Lieberman over his refusal to back the impeachment of Bill Clinton.

1999: Beck marries Tania and they go on a church tour, looking for a faith, they settled on Mormonism, partly at the urging of his daughter Mary. After they went looking for a faith on a church tour together, they joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Beck later explains why he became Mormon: “I apologize, but guys will understand this. My wife is, like, hot, and she wouldn’t have sex with me until we got married. And she wouldn’t marry me unless we had a religion.” Tania replies, “He’s not joking.”

October 1999: Beck baptized by his old friend, and current-day co-worker Pat Gray. Beck and his current wife have had two children together, Raphe (who is adopted) and Cheyenne.

Late 1999: Beck takes job at WFLA, Tampa Bay’s leading news-talk station, though torn over the possibility of leaving his young daughters back in Connecticut with his ex-wife Claire.

September 11, 2001: Within one year of doing his first talk show in afternoon drive at WFLA, Beck dominated the ratings, giving the station its first #1 program ever. Due to the overwhelming demand for live, news oriented programming after September 11, Beck was offered a jump start on national syndication. This resulted in early affiliations with stations such as KPRC/Houston, WGST/Atlanta, WSPD/Toledo, Ohio and WOAI/San Antonio.

January 2002: Premiere Radio Networks launched the show on 47 stations. The show was then moved to “The Big Talker 1210” WPHT in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

2003: “Glenn Beck’s Rally for America” is held in support of the troops fighting the war in Iraq, drawing 25,000 people. While generally attended by war supporters, Beck spoke of many who “disagreed with the war, but still supported the troops”. He ran the final rally at Marshall University over the Memorial Day weekend.

May 17, 2005: “I’m thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it…. No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. Is this wrong? I stopped wearing my What Would Jesus — band — Do, and I’ve lost all sense of right and wrong now. I used to be able to say, ‘Yeah, I’d kill Michael Moore,’ and then I’d see the little band: What Would Jesus Do? And then I’d realize, ‘Oh, you wouldn’t kill Michael Moore. Or at least you wouldn’t choke him to death.’ And you know, well, I’m not sure.”

Sept. 9, 2005: “Yesterday, when I saw the ATM cards being handed out, the $2,000 ATM cards, and they were being handed out at the Astrodome. And they actually had to close the Astrodome and seal it off for a while because there was a near-riot trying to get to these ATM cards. My first thought was, it’s not like they’re going to run out of the $2,000 ATM cards. You can wait!…

“When you are rioting for these tickets, or these ATM cards, the second thing that came to mind was — and this is horrible to say, and I wonder if I’m alone in this — you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 victims’ families? Took me about a year. And I had such compassion for them, and I really wanted to help them, and I was behind, you know, “Let’s give them money, let’s get this started.” All of this stuff. And I really didn’t — of the 3,000 victims’ families, I don’t hate all of them. Probably about 10 of them. And when I see a 9-11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, “Oh shut up!” I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining. And we did our best for them. And, again, it’s only about 10.

“But the second thought I had when I saw these people and they had to shut down the Astrodome and lock it down, I thought: I didn’t think I could hate victims faster than the 9-11 victims. These guys — you know it’s really sad. We’re not hearing anything about Mississippi. We’re not hearing anything about Alabama. We’re hearing about the victims in New Orleans. This is a 90,000-square-mile disaster site, New Orleans is 181 square miles. A hundred and — 0.2 percent of the disaster area is New Orleans! And that’s all we’re hearing about, are the people in New Orleans. Those are the only ones we’re seeing on television are the scumbags — and again, it’s not all the people in New Orleans. Most of the people in New Orleans got out! It’s just a small percentage of those who were left in New Orleans, or who decided to stay in New Orleans, and they’re getting all the attention. It’s exactly like the 9-11 victims’ families. There’s about 10 of them that are spoiling it for everybody.”

Late 2005: Glenn Beck’s show is heard on more than 200 stations, and is the 3rd highest-rated national radio talk show among adults ages 25 to 54 according to Premiere Research/Arbitron.

January 17, 2006: CNN Headline News hires Beck to host a topical news show. “Having tired of the predictable left-versus-right debates in cable news, I am eager to offer a different take for Headline News viewers,” Beck said in a statement. “I hope that people will come away from our show not only informed, but also entertained, in a way they’re not used to seeing on cable news.”

November 6, 2006: “You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one – I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”

November 14, 2006: “I have been nervous about this interview with you because what I feel like saying is, ‘Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies. … And I know you’re not. I’m not accusing you of being an enemy, but that’s the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.” –Beck interviewing Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first Muslim U.S. congressman.

May 1, 2007: “Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization…And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing].”

October 22, 2007: Beck on the the California forest fires: “I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.”

January 4, 2008: Following surgery on his ass, a video is released of Beck rambling about the terrible the doctors (and the health care system) was and how he was contemplating suicide.

February 14, 2008: “Ugly people, if you’re a guy, you can get past it. I don’t think you can as an ugly woman…. if you’re an ugly woman, you’re probably a progressive as well.

May 3, 2008: After Gloria Steinem suggested John McCain would be treated differently if he were a woman, Beck exclaimed: “You self-centered, self-righteous, socialist, out-of-control, dangerous, man-hating bitch. Shut your mouth. We might have bought into this crap in the 1960s because too many people were doing LSD. We’re not on LSD anymore. You need to start making sense.”

June 30, 2008: “The storm is finally coming ashore.”

July 15, 2008: “We’re in the perfect storm.”

October 16, 2008: Fox News hires Glenn Beck away from CNN. Beck moves away from producing entertaining videos for a young demographic and begins wearing thick, black-rimmed grandpa glasses and preaching towards an older audience.

December 8, 2008: Glenn Beck sells shirts on his site that show a picture of a baby polar bear with the words: “DRILL THROUGH THEIR A$$ …for cheaper gas!”

March 9, 2009: “So here you have Barack Obama going in and spending the money on embryonic stem cell research. … Eugenics. In case you don’t know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person…. The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening.”

March 13, 2009: Beck starts the 9-12 Project, whose purpose is “to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001 … we were not obsessed with red states, blue states or political parties. We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the values and principles of the greatest nation ever created.”

There are 9 Principles and 12 Values associated with the project. The 9 Principles, which are “distilled” from 28 other principles supposedly “culled from all over the world and from centuries of great thinkers,” especially the Founding Fathers:

1. America is good. (Even when it does bad things.)
2. I believe in God and He is the center of my life. (along side Gold and Guns)
3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday. (Yet never admit being wrong about anything.)
4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government. (Remember that when the police come bashing down your door.)
5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it. (But since the father is the ultimate authority, no one can be arrested to pay that penalty.)
6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results. (Not even close.)
7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable. (The government can only force you to contribute to wars you don’t believe in.)
8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion. (But everyone on the Progressive side of this “left-right” conflict I’m not a part of are all un-American.)
9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me. (Remember that next time a cop pulls you over.)

The 12 Values are:
1. Honesty (stupidity doesn’t count as dishonesty, right?)
2. Reverence (for gold)
3. Hope (except for warnings of the coming Apocalypse)
4. Thrift (except for decade-long wars)
5. Humility (except Pride for Country, which is still below personal authority.)
6. Charity (to the super rich)
7. Sincerity (the ability to summon tears)
8. Moderation (because moderate times demand moderate actions)
9. Hard Work (not physical labor, of course, hard work talking to other people about the coming Apocalypse)
10. Courage (but only moderate courage)
11. Personal Responsibility (in telling people how it’s all the Left’s fault)
12. Gratitude (originally Friendship, but “friend” was too close to the word “comrade”)

April 28, 2009: “Perfect storm … just came onshore.”

May 5, 2009: “I’m tired of the politics of left and right. It’s about right and wrong. We argue back and forth — ‘If you haven’t voted for the donkey, you’re just a hatemonger.’ The other side — ‘Oh, those donkeys trying to turn us into communist Russia.’ Stop!

June 1, 2009: “Pravda goes on and says, ‘Then their faith in God was destroyed until their churches, all tens of thousands of different branches and denominations were for the most part little more than Sunday circuses and their televangelists and top protestant megapreachers were more than happy to sell their souls in flocks to be on the winning side of one pseudo-Marxist politician or another. Their flock may complain but when explained that they would be on the winning side, their flocks were ever so quick to reject Christ in hopes of earthly power. The final collapse came with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months have been truly impressive. His spending and money-printing has been record-setting, not just in America’s short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more than another year–and there is no sign that it will not–America will best resemble the Weimar Republic and, at worst, Zimbabwe.’ My friend, I have told you these things were coming. I tell you now, they are coming. We must educate ourselves and be involved and put down our differences and connect with ?? make a vow to yourself today that there are Democrats out there, if you’re a Republican, that there are Democrats out there that truly get it.”

June 10, 2009: “You know, the anchor baby thing has always really hacked me off… You know the anchor baby. You know what that is. It’s when a child that is born here, becomes a citizen and they help the illegal parents become citizens, right?… Remember empathy. Oh, empathy. No one wants to separate that family. Oh, that baby is a child. It’s an anchor. It’s an anchor to stay here…. Why do we have automatic citizenship upon birth? Do you know? We’re the only country in the world that has it. Why?”

July 15, 2009: A new version of “The 5,000 Year Leap” by anti-Communist “historian” W. Cleon Skousen is published with a foreward written by Beck. Zaitchik writes:

“”Leap” argues that the U.S. Constitution is a godly document above all else, based on natural law, and owes more to the Old and New Testaments than to the secular and radical spirit of the Enlightenment. It lists 28 fundamental beliefs — based on the sayings and writings of Moses, Jesus, Cicero, John Locke, Montesquieu and Adam Smith — that Skousen says have resulted in more God-directed progress than was achieved in the previous 5,000 years of every other civilization combined…..

W. Cleon Skousen was not a historian so much as a player in the history of the American far right; less a scholar of the republic than a threat to it. At least, that was the judgment of J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI, which maintained a file on Skousen for years that eventually totaled some 2,000 pages. Before he died in 2006 at the age of 92, Skousen’s own Mormon church publicly distanced itself from the foundation that Skousen founded and that has published previous editions of “The 5,000 Year Leap.”…

After his firing from the police force, Skousen became a star on the profitable far-right speakers circuit. He worked for both the Bircher-operated American Opinion Speakers Bureau and Fred Schwarz’s Christian Anti-Communism Crusade….

In 1969, a 1,300-page book started appearing in faculty mailboxes at Brigham Young, where Skousen was back teaching part-time. The book, written by a Georgetown University historian named Carroll Quigley, was called “Tragedy and Hope.” Inside each copy, Skousen inserted handwritten notes urging his colleagues to read the book and embrace its truth. “Tragedy and Hope,” Skousen believed, exposed the details of what would come to be known as the New World Order (NWO)….

“Skousen worked to change Mormonism from a new and unique American-born faith into an evangelical form of fundamentalist Christianity,” says Rob Lauer, a leader of the Reform Mormonism movement. “By arguing that biblical principles were the basis of the U.S. government, he was among those most responsible for the LDS church becoming part of the religious right political establishment over the past 25 years.”

In 1981, Skousen published “The 5,000 Year Leap,” the book for which, thanks to Beck, he is now best known. But it wasn’t that Skousen book that made the biggest headline in the 1980s. Toward the end of Reagan’s second term, Skousen became the center of a minor controversy when state legislators in California approved the official use of another of his books, the 1982 history text “The Making of America.” Besides bursting with factual errors, Skousen’s book characterized African-American children as “pickaninnies” and described American slave owners as the “worst victims” of the slavery system. Quoting the historian Fred Albert Shannon, “The Making of America” explained that “[slave] gangs in transit were usually a cheerful lot, though the presence of a number of the more vicious type sometimes made it necessary for them all to go in chains.””

As Zaitchik points out, Beck’s twin embrace of Cleon Skousen and Martin Luther King, Jr. is exceedingly ironic because Skousen and his allies like Ezra Taft Benson “were of course anti-civil rights.” In his biography of Beck, Zaitchik explains how “the second-generation of Skousens and Bensons…ran the Utah Birch Society and used it to create panic over civil rights, in one case by spreading rumors that blacks from Los Angeles were marching on Salt Lake City with plans to riot. The National Guard actually had to be called out.” Beck claims now to understand and embody the civil rights movement, but as Zaitchik told the Washington Post’s David Weigel, Beck has “a complete ignorance of black history and culture.”

July 15, 2009: The same day 5,000 Year Leap came out, Glenn Beck gets into an argument with a woman over health care and has a meltdown, screeching into the microphone, Get off my phone you little pinhead!!!

July 22, 2009: “I mean, we’ve got czars now, Czars like John Holdren, who has proposed forcing abortions and putting sterilants in the drinking water to control population.”

July 28, 2009: Glenn Beck is invited on Fox and Friends to talk about the arrest of Harvard University scholar Henry Louis Gates at his own home for disorderly conduct, and says that Obama “has a deep seated hatred for white people or the white culture” and calls him a racist. Although it is not even the worst thing he has said in the past seven days, liberal bloggers managed to use this line to convince many of Beck’s commercial supporters to abandon his show, popularizing the line so much that just about every mainstream talk show host came to associate him with it.

August 27, 2009: Beck misspells Oligarchy as “O-L-I-G-A-R-H-Y” while inventing an acronym for the Obama Administration.

August 30, 2010: The comment continues to hound Beck like never before. Beck says that he’s “addressed this comment a million times,” and what he didn’t understand at the time about President Obama, who “writes about the white culture and [how] he’s struggled with it,” was that “it is much more of a theological question. That he is a guy who understands the world through liberation theology, which is ‘oppressor’ and ‘victim.’ Racist shouldn’t have been said, it was poorly said.”

September 6, 2009: Beck is able to get the Obama Administration to force Van Jones to resign over previous statements that he was once a Communist. Although Van Jones says he realized the necessity for a strong alliance with the business world to enact Green jobs, Beck continued to refer to him as a present-day Communist.

September 29, 2009: “As we told you last week, they are pushing day care. They are pushing day care. That way they can control the money that goes into day care, which means they can control the environment, and they can indoctrinate. This is — this is — you know, I said a while back at Christmas, you’re not even — now I said this a year ago Christmas — you’re not even going to recognize this country. You won’t even recognize it. Well put yourself back into the place that you were last Christmas, when I said that. Do you think you would — if I told you last Christmas that these things would happen by September that already are going on, would you say that I was a kook? Of course you would. There’s even more coming. By Christmas, you will not recognize it.”

October 2, 2009: A video of Beck is released of him putting vapor rub under his eyes to tear up for a photo shoot. Well known for breaking out to tears on stage, liberal bloggers use the video to insinuate that he uses the vapor rub for all of the “crying moments” of his show.

October 26, 2009: “By this Christmas, you’re not going to even recognize your country.”

November 2, 2009: Beck says Romney “opened the tent and gave you government health care that is now bankrupting the state…. That was my problem with the Massachusetts. Romneycare, I remember saying to him, ‘Mitt, you’re not king. You’re not going to be there forever. You opened the door, the progressives came in.'” Politifact.com: “So, while the program has become more expensive, it has not been the budget-buster that Beck suggests. We asked experts whether the state would still be facing a $5 billion deficit if the program hadn’t been put into place, and the resounding answer was “yes.””

November 12, 2009: “Do you know in the health care bill, we’re now offering insurance for dogs…”

November 24, 2009: “The final chapters, if we don’t wake up, America, are being written about us right now.”

November 30, 2009: “Let’s compare President Nixon — he’s over 50 percent — with President Obama: Under 10 percent of his appointees have any experience in the private sector.” Politifact.com: 7 out of 9 have business experience.

December 25, 2009: No apocalypse.

January 2010: Glenn Beck draws nearly three million viewers each night, making it at times the most-watched program on cable news.

March 10, 2010: “I beg you, look for the words ‘social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes! If I’m going to Jeremiah’s Wright’s church? Yes! Leave your church. Social justice and economic justice. They are code words. If you have a priest that is pushing social justice, go find another parish. Go alert your bishop and tell them, ‘Excuse me are you down with this whole social justice thing?’ I don’t care what the church is. If it’s my church, I’m alerting the church authorities: ‘Excuse me, what’s this social justice thing?’ And if they say, ‘Yeah, we’re all in that social justice thing,” I’m in the wrong place.'”

The Compendium of the Social Teaching of the Church, published by the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace, says this:

The Church’s social Magisterium constantly calls for the most classical forms of justice to be respected: commutative, distributive and legal justice. Ever greater importance has been given to social justice., which represents a real development in general justice, the justice that regulates social relationships according to the criterion of observance of the law. Social justice, a requirement related to the social question which today is worldwide in scope, concerns the social, political and economic aspects and, above all, the structural dimension of problems and their respective solutions….

Christianity Today says:

The National Association of Evangelicals has issued a similar statement on justice. In its 2001 statement of civic responsibility, “For the Health of the Nation,” the NAE states that “economic justice includes both the mitigation of suffering and also the restoration of wholeness.” The NAE also states that government has a “divine mandate to render justice (Rom. 13:1-7; 1 Pet. 2:13-17).”

“I don’t know what to make of Beck’s absurd rant,” wrote Dan Nejfelt of Faith in Public Life. “The fact that a person with a multimedia platform and an audience of millions is either so addled that he believes social justice is a tool of tyranny, or so craven that he would use fearmongering and vitriol to come between people and their churches, is—to say the least—a troubling indictment of what we as a society value and reward. I just hope nobody comes to believe that the Gospel According to Beck is the word of the Lord.”

Glenn Beck on the Mount

March 11, 2010: “There is fear and hunger ahead of us.”

March 25, 2010: “Our leadership now is continuing to push for a cap-and-trade bill which will raise our energy prices and, of course, limit our own oil production…. It is September 11th all over again except we didn’t have the collapsing buildings, but we need God more than ever.”

March 25, 2010: “[I said] a perfect storm would come. It’s here.”

May 14, 2010: “There will be rivers of blood if we don’t have values and principles.”

May 25, 2010: “You will not recognize your country by Christmas. I don’t recognize my country now, but everyone will be on board by Christmas.”

May 26, 2010: “We are on the right side of history. We are on the side of individual freedoms and liberties and damn it, we will reclaim the civil rights moment. We will take that movement because we were the people that did it in the first place.”

May 27, 2010: After hearing Obama’s story about how his 11-year-old daughter Malia asked if he had “plugged the hole yet,” Beck begins acting out a parody of the little girl, saying: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?” and Obama answering “Not enough damage yet, honey.” Then: “Why do you hate black people so much?” With Obama answering: “I’m part white, honey.” He then went on to mock her “level of education” because of it being such a stupid question.

June 4, 2010: Beck endorses The Red Book: A ‘Who’s Who’ and Handbook of Radicalism for Patriots (1977), which he claims to have read “all night.” The book is a fascist conspiracy theory book accusing Roosevelt of a stooge of the Communists and praised Adolf Hitler. Elizabeth Dilling, an anti-Semite, was later tried for sedition. Three days later, Beck tries to dismiss the book as something he didn’t really look into.

June 7, 2010: “We don’t study the Holocaust [in America]…”

June 10, 2010: “They’ve changed the radical pose. And they’ve put themselves in power and they’ve made you the radical. Now, they can. Now, they can. A secret FBI report in 1976 noted that the Weather Underground was receiving aid from Cuba, technical assistance from North Korea. In other words, this was a situation that had the potential to become far, far worse with people like Bill Ayers who was OK with killing 10 percent of the people… These are the same people that are everywhere in the government and our education system. Please, please. Learn from history. Please.”

June 14, 2010: Glenn Beck stated that if he “get[s] out of control and start[s] leveling baseless charges that can’t be backed up,” then he would be “fired.”

June 2010: Gold Line, the company that Beck hocks gold for, goes under investigation for fraud. As pointed out by Ritzhotz.com, the coins are sold by Beck as a hedge against inflation against the coming economic armaggedon but the coins the firm sells are not gold bullion, which is what should be sold, but antique French coins that are overpriced due to numismatic value, meaning they’re priced higher because they’re antiques. This is sold on the excuse that the government can’t confiscate antique coins because of some obscure FDR law, but what it comes out to is that the buyer loses 42% of their “investment” instantly. A report done by Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner found that “the average Goldline mark-up was 90 percent above the melt value of the coin.” Additionally, the report asserts “Those same 18 coins could be found much cheaper on similar precious coin seller’s websites.” Plus, it alleges that Goldline’s salespeople misrepresent themselves as “investment advisers” or “financial advisers” – “implying that they have some sort of fiduciary responsibility to get you the most return on your investment.”

Even though Beck sells these coins on the normal part of his show as if it is an infomercial, Fox News actually has rules against their anchors supporting commercial products, but deemed that Beck had to be given some leeway due to the fact that he this was all part of the package of getting a radio host.

June 28, 2010: “The government is trying to now close the Lincoln Memorial for any kind of large gatherings,” Beck said. “This may be the last large gathering ever to assemble at the Lincoln Memorial. Historic, historic.”

July 10, 2010: “There is a lot there. This is kind of complex. Because Jesus did identify with the victims, but Jesus was not a victim. He was a conqueror. The death of Jesus Christ is a moment of victory, as is the resurrection. See, this is the main difference here, victims as opposed to messiahs, conquerors. Victims were conquerors. Jesus conquered death. He wasn’t victimized. He chose to give his life. He did have a choice. If he was a victim, and this [Liberation] theology was true, then Jesus would have come back from the dead and made the Jews pay for what they did. That’s an abomination.”

July 12, 2010: “Blacks do not own Martin Luther King.”

July 2010: Beck University, a non-credited web-based education program, is launched, offering online classes in subjects such as religion, American history, and economics. Courses are offered to anyone who subscribes to Beck’s “Extreme Insider” program for $6.26 a month. Faith 101 is a course on American history taught by David Barton, an evangelical Christian minister and author who is known for his argument that the founding fathers renounced the separation of church and state. Hope 101 dealt with economics and was taught by David L. Buckner, a psychology and education professor. Charity 101 is a political science class taught by LSU professor James R. Stoner dedicated to how the Constitution and the Federalist Papers prove the U.S. is a charitable nation.

August 3, 2010: Glenn Beck says that the Islamic Community Center being built in New York is a “Allah tells me to blow up America mosque.” A week later, he says that “we have no right to stop” the building of the community center, but said it is “in extraordinarily bad taste, I think it’s foolish, I think it’s a slap in the face to do it.” He also false claims that it would open on 9/11, saying, “You want to open it on September 11? You’re a fool. You’re insulting people, but we have no right to stop you.”

August 12, 2010: “It’s here.”

August 28, 2010: Beck holds his 8/28 Restoring Honor event in Washington.

Glenn Beck at Lincoln Memorial

October 15: 2010: “And I get to the god of Ancient Babylon, and I see what happened in Ancient Babylon. And the god of Ancient Babylon was Baal. B-A-A-L. And this jumped out at me so much. I was just like, “Oh, my gosh.” And what it was, was ancient Babylon and the Tower of Babel — and we’ll do a show on this, but let me give you the highlights here. Basically, the king says, “You know what? We’re all gonna just– we’re all gonna be one.” And it’s the first socialism… totalitarianism. And the god of Ancient Babylon — Baal was the god of weather and war and commerce… And I thought to myself: ‘This is the same god.’ We are now worshiping — or the environmentalists are now worshiping — the ancient god of Babylon, the god of weather. And they’re saying, ‘You gotta worship the god of weather. That way, there won’t be war. And that way there’ll be commerce, and we can all live.’ It’s repeating itself from the very beginning.”

October 20, 2010: “Progressives have been fighting for decades to achieve the power to decide for you, and erase the Republicans, now they just want to call it a democracy. They’ve come a long, long way, bit by bit, piece by piece, they have been chipping away your individual freedoms. We call them progressives now, but back in Samuel Adams’ day, they used to call them tyrants. A little later, I think they’re also called slave owners — people that encourage you to become more dependent on them, and it’s working.

November 9, 2010: On the 72nd anniversary of Kristallnacht, Glenn Beck begins a multi-episode attack on Jewish philanthropist George Soros by falsely suggesting that he was a Holocaust collaborator. Beck blames Soros for the fact that when he was 14, after the Nazis invaded his native Hungary, he was forced to travel along with Nazis who confiscated property and even falsely accused Soros of helping them and then not feeling any guilt about it. And even though Soros is a capitalist financier, he is accused of being the head of a Socialist conspiracy, which will become a new central theme of his show. Beck even uses anti-Semitic stereotypes in disparaging the holocaust survivor.

Media Matters writes:

“Beck pointed to George Soros’ past support of various political movements in Europe, like the Rose and Orange Revolutions and the coups in Croatia and Yugoslavia, and claimed Soros was attempting to recreate similar revolutionary changes of regime in America. Author Richard Poe connected Soros’ previous work to Beck’s accusation that Soros’ “target” is the United States. But the governments Soros supposedly helped bring down were autocratic ones, often headed by former Communist leaders. The Velvet Revolution led to the establishment of Slovakia as an independent nation and eventual inclusion in NATO. Similarly, the Orange Revolution in Ukraine was a non-violent response to a disputed election that involved poisonings and assassination attempts. And the Rose Revolution replaced Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze, a former Soviet official, with Mikheil Saakashvili, who Beck himself has heavily praised.”

November 11, 2010: The Anti-Defamation League condemns Glenn Beck’s series on George Soros

November 15, 2010: “This is the perfect storm I told you about five years ago. This is it.”

November 18, 2010: Beck demonizes the same veterans group he praised in 2007 as part of his made-up Soros conspiracy.

November 30, 2010: “The storm is here.”

December 25, 2010: Still no apocalypse.

January 2011: Glenn Beck’s ratings drop to the 1.6-1.8 million range, almost half the ratings Beck had in January 2010.

January 31, 2011: “When you take the Marxist and you combine them with the radical from Islam, when you combine those forces, which is exactly — we’ll show you this week — what is happening here, the whole world starts to implode.”

February 4, 2011: “We told you this week how if (President Hosni) Mubarak does step down, however, the Muslim Brotherhood would be the most likely group to seize power. They’ve openly stated they want to declare war on Israel and they would end the peace agreement with Israel and they would work towards instituting something we told you about, a caliphate.”

February 14, 2011: Neo-Conservative pundit Bill Kristol writes: “Now, people are more than entitled to their own opinions of how best to accomplish that democratic end. And it’s a sign of health that a political and intellectual movement does not respond to a complicated set of developments with one voice. But hysteria is not a sign of health. When Glenn Beck rants about the caliphate taking over the Middle East from Morocco to the Philippines, and lists (invents?) the connections between caliphate-promoters and the American left, he brings to mind no one so much as Robert Welch and the John Birch Society. He’s marginalizing himself, just as his predecessors did back in the early 1960s.”

February 22, 2011: “This is what we’ve been discussing right here on my old TV show and my old radio show for a long, long time. It’s called the perfect storm. And I can’t honestly believe that we’re finally here.”

February 25, 2011: “I think Nancy Reagan may have been the one who had the most people on the staff. She had three. Three! The first lady’s office needs 43 people? For what? These people are out of control. It is really Marie Antoinette.”

February 27, 2011: Glenn Beck lashes out at Kristol on his radio program, saying: “I don’t even know if you understand what conservatives are anymore, Billy… People like Bill Kristol, I don’t think they stand for anything any more. All they stand for is power. They’ll do anything to keep their little fiefdom together, and they’ll do anything to keep the Republican power entrenched.” Beck defended his theories by reading from the work of the Muslim writer Zudhi Jasser, a sharp critic of most Muslim leaders, to argue of the threat from “Islamic socialism.” He also accused Kristol of propping up Hosni Mubarak, of being stuck in 1973, and of failing to see that “we are fighting the forces of evil on this planet… I think he’s still trying to get Bob Dole elected, i’m not really sure… Have you done a minute of research Bill?” Beck asked later, promising to expose the ties between the left and Islamic radicals during this week’s television show and advising Kristol, “Just watch the show in the next week.”

March 1, 2011: “This may come as a shock, but I can’t find collective bargaining in the Bill of Rights or the Constitution. I can’t find it. In fact, FDR said collective bargaining would destroy us. Yes, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Look it up.” Actually, Roosevelt signed groundbreaking legislation protecting collective bargaining rights. FDR did not oppose public employee unions. He opposed strikes by federal public employee unions.

March 7, 2011: Rumor bounds that Fox may be looking to get out of renewing Beck’s contract.

March 15, 2011: “We can’t see the connections here. I’m not saying God is causing earthquakes – well I’m not not saying that either! What God does is God’s business. But I’ll tell you this – there’s a message being sent. And that is, ‘Hey you know that stuff we’re doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.’ I’m just saying.”

March 21, 2011: Glenn Beck dismisses Martin Luther King’s fight for labor rights. Wait, wait, hold it, just a second. Dr. King lost his life for collective bargaining for the public unions, really? Did you know that? ‘Cause — that — we have to update our history books, because I didn’t know that. Did you know that?”

David Neiwart writes: “This is why Beck’s constant posturing on behalf of the civil-rights movement — mostly in order to claim a King-like aura for himself — is so bizarre. In order for Glenn Beck to convince his fellow conservatives to adopt this mantle, he essentially has to persuade millions of people who have opposed it with every fiber of their beings for most of their lives to completely reverse course and claim the opposite of their former beliefs.” As Media Matters points out, Martin Luther King would have been on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard.

March 21, 2011: Glenn Beck gets into an argument over whether the Book of Revelation is fictional and calls MSNBC “the most anti-god network ever put on the air in the history of America… The world is about to be plunged into complete and utter darkness and despair. Quite honestly, famine will follow.”

March 22, 2011: “Chaos is from the dark side, Luke. It is part of evil. It is not a coincidence that chaos is ruling the world. It is why I have also been telling you this is a global project. You can not take down the United States government without taking down the entire system. It is the coming insurrection. It is the coming of the Caliphate. It is the cries for Revolution. It is Chaos. If they can make things so chaotic, then they must change. It is top-down, bottom-up, inside-out, it is what I told you would happen this summer when I said, ‘Watch.’ They need to push you into a place to where you rise up so they can provide the answer. That is what is now being planned. This plan was – is — supposed to happen in May, I hope by exposing it, if enough people will talk about, it won’t happen, but you must educate your friends, because they are going to be used, and and I said this is evil. What does, I’m sorry to get all Biblical on you MSNBC, but what does Satan do? He takes a germ of truth…”

March 29, 2011: Media Matters writes that “Glenn Beck suggested that the efforts of Jewish Funds for Justice and Media Matters to ‘accelerat[e] Beck’s decline’ are not working because ‘the lights are on’ in his studio. In fact, Beck’s Fox News program has lost over 300 advertisers, he has lost more than 1 million viewers over the last year, his radio show has been kicked off various stations including ones in New York and Philadelphia, and there is a possibility that Fox News executives are reportedly ‘contemplating life without’ Beck.”

April 6, 2011: Fox News announces Glenn Beck’s daily show will be ending some time this year. New York Times reporter Brian Stelter tells CNN that those on “the news side of Fox” were embarrassed by Beck.

April 7, 2011: “One year from now, you on the Left will be crapping yourselves so much — you haven’t — you haven’t crapped in your pants as much as you will in a year from now as you — as you you did since you were a child — maybe more — you’ll be making more — you’ll crap yourself more than when you were a baby — and you will find Jesus. You will suddenlly find religion and you will be kneeling at some altar lighting candles every day, praying to Jesus that Glenn Beck would please just to do 5:00 on the Fox News Channel. There’s my prediction… All right, here’s our sponsor though… Okay, you’ll be praying to Gaia.”

The Power to Declare War

According to the Constitution, Congress has the power to declare war, though it does not explain what format or what kind of legislation is necessary for declaring wars. Although Congress has only formally declared war five times — the last time being World War II –many constitutionalists believe that this is the only legal way for the nation to engage in war and that every battle begun directly under the authority of the president was unconstitutional.

Based on this, Bush’s Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq Resolution of 2002 was challenged by a coalition of U.S. soldiers, parents of U.S. soldiers, and members of Congress prior to the invasion to stop it from happening in the case of Doe vs. Bush. The First Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of Bush, with
Judge Lynch pointing out that, “They base this argument on two theories. They argue that Congress and the President are in collision — that the President is about to act in violation of the October Resolution. They also argue that Congress and the President are in collusion — that Congress has handed over to the President its exclusive power to declare war.”

I’ve been hearing the argument for a Congressional declaration of war a lot lately from liberals, including one of my favorite bloggers Glenn Greenwald, who correctly pointed out that Obama himself said that the president in fact does not have the right to declare war unless the United States is at risk.

The reason I’ve never jumped on to this argument is that the members of Congress obviously don’t want to be the ones to declare war. Ezra Klein of the Washington Post explains as much. That may be a sad state of affairs, but even if it is a Constitutional requirement, you can’t carry water for people who don’t want to drink. It reminds me of the “state’s rights” argument: you can complain that Federal power is taking state power away, but it never really causes anyone to argue that their beliefs should only be effectual in one state. If you’re Pro-Life, then you want abortion outlawed federally. If you’re Pro-Choice, you want abortion to be legal in all 50 states. So until Congress actually starts demanding the power to declare wars, it’s really just a tangent to the more important question of whether the particular war you’re talking about is a good or bad idea.

Top Stories of 2010

Since Bryan at YouAreDumb.net posted a “Clearance Sale” of research items he never got around to writing about, I decided to also clear out all the saved links in my “Favorites” that I never got around to. So here’s a ton of crazy stories from 2010 that happened to make the top of my news pile, only unlike Bryan, I’m not bothering to add any last-minute commentary:

General Politics

Obama Targets U.S. Citizen for Assassination

Did Nixon Try to Assassinate a Reporter?

Nigeria Drops Bribery Charges Against Cheney Following $250 Million Settlement

Jon Stewart Rips John McCain for Flip-Flopping on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Jon Stewart on 9/11 First Responders Bill (Part 1) (Part 2)

Jon Stewart Rally Beats Beck’s Rally

Singer James Blunt Says He Disobeyed Orders to Attack Russians in Kosovo

Amnesty International: Prosecute Bush for Admitted Waterboarding

Republican Runs Street People on Green Ticket

Wendell Potter Apologizes to Michael Moore For Helping Big Pharma Discredit “Sicko”

GOP Judges Ask Partisans to Stop Blocking Obama Judges

Christopher Hitchens: Why America Will Come to Regret the Craven Deal Obama is Offering Netanyahu

Number of Illegal Immigrants in U.S. Now Declining

GOP Wants to Stop Sarah Palin

Republican Running for Congress Escaped Court Martial for Killing Two Iraqis

Science

Life’s Ingredients Found in Asteroid

New Arsenic-Based Life Form Discovered

Scientists Find ‘Liberal Gene’

Liberalism, Atheism, Male Sexual Exclusivity Linked to High IQ

Survey: Atheists, Agnostics Know More About Religion Than Religious

Politics and Eye Movement: Liberals Focus Their Attention on ‘Gaze Cues’ More Than Conservatives Do

Bee Brains Beat Computers on Mathematical “Traveling Salesman Problem”

Researchers Using Rat-Robot Hybrid to Design Better Brain Machine Interfaces

Kentucky ‘Creationist Theme Park’ Gets Preliminary OK for Tax Incentives

Is Believing in God Evolutionary Advantageous?

China Possibly Hijacked Internet in April

Money and Happiness: “High earners are generally more satisfied with their lives, it seems, but a person’s day-to-day emotional wellbeing is only influenced by money up to a certain point”

Cracked: 5 Reasons the Future Will Be Ruled by B.S.

Top 25 Tech Fails of the Year

Global Warming

2010 Hottest Year on Record

WikiLeaks: Hackers Tried to Infiltrate U.S. Climate Negotiators

Islands Fear End of History Due to Climate Changes

U.N. Says World ‘Dangerously Close’ to Food Crisis

Study Says Climate Change to Cause Extreme World Drought

Huge Iceberg Breaks Away; Antarctic Ice Shelf ‘Hangs on a Thread’

How the Senate and the White House Missed Their Best Chance to Deal with Climate Change

Russian Heat Wave Kills 15,000 and Cost $15 Billion

New Scientist: Is Climate Change Burning Russia?

Joe Romm: “Climate Experts Agree: Global Warming Caused Unprecedented Russian Heat Wave”

New Scientist: Rate of Ocean Warming Underestimated

Clouds Cause Amplified Feedback

Black Carbon Implicated in Climate Change

Ponzi Redux: Scientific American Asks “Could Food Shortages Bring Down Civilization?”

Study Finds Climate Change Played Major Role in Mass Extinction of Mammals 50,000 Years Ago

Global Warming Blamed for 40% Decline in the Ocean’s Phytoplankton

Third Inquiry Clears ‘Climategate’ Scientists (not including inquiries by Nature, Factcheck.org, Politifact.com, Reuters, Associated Press, Time, etc.)

Republicans to Make Political Attack on EPA in 2011

Huckabee Denies He Supported Cap and Trade

Leaked Email Reveals Fox News Boss Bill Sammon Ordered Staff to Cast Doubt on Climate Science

Conservative Canadian Paper: “Bad Science: Global-Warming Deniers are a Liability to the Conservative Cause”

Gore Now Against Corn Subsidies

Montana’s Melting Glaciers: The Poster-Child for Climate Change

L.A. Hits Record 113 Degrees

Joe Romm: “Future generations are likely to view Obama’s choice of health care over energy and climate legislation as a blunder of historic proportions.”

Scientists Find “Net Present Value of Climate Change Impacts” of $1.24 QUADRILLION on Current Emissions Path

Forget Putting CO2 Under Rock—Let’s Turn It *Into* Rock

Melting Glaciers on Ellesmere Island Reveal Branches and Trunks From Millions of Years Ago, When the North was a Temperate Zone

Cracked: 6 Terrible Ideas That Science Says Will Save the Planet

Cracked: 5 Ways the World Could End (That You’d Never See Coming)

Wing-Nuts

Fox Calls for Repeal of the 20th Century — 13 Achievements Conservatives Would Roll Back

Hannity Uses Deceptive Editing to Make Obama Say He Wants to Make Taxes Go Up

Glenn Beck Says to Leave Churches That Talk of “Social Justice”

Rush Limbaugh Attacks Darwin

Rush Limbaugh on Net Neutrality: ‘It’s Total Government Control Of The Internet’

Limbaugh Lied About Republicans Undermining the Kosovo War

Fox’s Napolitano joins 9-11 Truther Alex Jones to Push Anti-Government Conspiracy Theories

Tom DeLay GUILTY: Jury Convicts Republican In Money Laundering Trial

Why Do These Passages From Jonah Goldberg and Sarah Palin Sound So similar?

Right Wing Continues to Push the Socialist Pilgrims Myth

Eric Erickson: Give Me Inefficient Lighting or Give Me Death!

According to Conservapedia, E=mc2 a Liberal Conspiracy to Make People Believe Morality is Relative

Obama on American Exceptionalism Taken Out of Context

Glenn Beck Embraces Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theory About George Soros

Even a Cyanide Suicide Brings Terror Alert

Gingrich: Obama Wants Whitey’s Money

Gingrich’s GOPAC Rhetorical Handbook

Study on Why People Think Obama is a Muslim: “Careless or biased media outlets are largely responsible for the propagation of these falsehoods, which catch on like wildfire…”

The GOP’s New Fake Racial History Whitewashes the Southern Strategy

Bipartisan Agreement: Fox-hyped New Black Panthers Case is a Phony Scandal

Tea Party

“The Transformation of the American Conservative Movement into Fascism” Daily Kos? Huffington Post? Try Veterans Today.

Citing “Mental Anguish,” Christine O’Donnell Sought $6.9 Million in Gender Discrimination Lawsuit Against Conservative Group

O’Donnell Campaign Threatens to Sue Over Interview

Joe Miller Used Other Computers to Vote in Online Poll Then Lied About Misconduct

Climate Change Doubt Is Tea Party Article of Faith

Obama-as-Joker Picture Originated from Left-Leaning Palestinian

Republicans Will Require Every Bill to Cite Its Specific Constitutional Authority

Tea Party Took Over $1 Billion in Earmarks

Rand Paul Can’t Name Anything He Would Cut

Ohio Tea Party Survey to Candidates: “The regulation of Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere should be left to God and not government and I oppose all measures of Cap and Trade as well as the teaching of global warming theory in our schools.”

War

A Child Soldier, Interrogated and Tried

Underwear Bomber Wouldn’t Have Brought Down Flight 253

Portrait of the Modern Terrorist as an Idiot

New Study Suggests Suicide Bombers Just Want to Commit Suicide

Kosovo Doves Denounced Iraq War Protest as “Anti-American”

Galbraith Fired for Exposing UN-Funds Used to Steal Afghan Election

Italy Increases Sentences for CIA Agents Convicted of Rendition

Obama Takes a Hard Line Against Leaks to Press

Barney Frank Finds a Trillion Dollars in Military Waste

Newly Declassified Documents Show Bush Administration Looked For Excuse To Start War In Iraq In Nov. 2001

Economic Crisis

Moodys May Lower U.S. Credit Rating Due to Tax Cut Package

Matt Taibbi: Courts Helping Screw Over Homeowners

More Inequal Distribution in U.S. Than in Banana Republics

If Democrats are the Big Spenders, Why do Republican States Get the Money?

Economists Call for Minimum Wage to Be Raised

Cox, Greenspan, Snow Agree: Freddie Mac And Fannie Mae Did Not Cause The Financial Crisis

Krugman: All Four Republicans on the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission Voted to Exclude the Following Terms from the Report: “deregulation,” “shadow banking,” “interconnection,” and, yes, “Wall Street.”

GOP Chairman of House Finance: “Washington and the Regulators Are There to Serve the Banks”

Conservatives Touted Ireland for Austerity Before Bankruptcy

Krugman: Free-Market Fundamentalists Have Been as Wrong about Events Abroad as They Have About Events in America

Republicans Defund Financial Reform

Media Matters: Myths and Falsehoods About the Purported Link Between Affordable Housing Initiatives and the Financial Crisis

Study Shows Racial Predatory Loans Fueled U.S. Housing Crisis

How to End the Great Recession

CBO Finds Stimulus Boosted Economy

New Tax Rules: The Hidden Corporate Bailout

Forbes 400 Richest Americans in 2010 Total Worth was Up 8% to $1.37 Trillion, Well Out-Earning the 1% Rise in the S&P 500 Index Over the Same Period of Time

Boehner Concedes Only 3% of Small Businesses Affected by Extending Tax Cuts (After McConnell Says It Was Half)

Politifact: The Federal Gas Tax Has Not Raised Since 1993

U.S. Poverty on Track to Post Record Gain in 2009

Roger Rajan Says Income Equality Will Hinder Growth

Can Liberalism Save Capitalism from Conservatism?

George W. Bush Reveals His Biggest Failure Was Not Privatizing Social Security

How Big Is the Chinese Property Bubble?

What Good Is Wall Street? Much of What Investment Bankers Do is Socially Worthless

Wall Street Whines About Obama Being Mean to Them Despite Tax Cuts

Politifact: Top 5 Falsehoods About the Bush Tax Cut

Crooks and Liars: 10 Epic Failures of the Bush Tax Cuts

Bailed Out Citigroup Donates to Chamber of Commerce

Economic Adviser for Bush Says Inflation is Good Right Now

Krugman on Inflation and the Gold Standard

Deficit Watchdog: If Congress Zeroed Out Domestic Spending, Excluding SS and Medicare, the Deficit Would Still Be $668 Billion in 10 Years